Chapter 1
A petite Scottish lassie, ROSIE GILMOUR, stood looking
out from a small window at the top of the stairway in her
terraced house situated close to Edinburgh City. With
shoulders hunched and her forehead resting on her crossed
arms, she was leaning on the cold wooden window ledge,
feeling too weak to stand on her own, for all her strength
had been drained from her shocked body. She had been
standing there for some time, but for how long to be exact
Rosie was not aware; it was not until parts of her body
became numb that she began to stir. In a state of shock and
disbelief she lifted her head, slowly raised her eyes and
stared toward the clouds which were moving across the
February winter sky. She watched as they passed the
window in all their different shapes and sizes. One cloud
was in the form of a dragon with fire coming from its
nostrils; another reminded her of a snowy painted
landscape; others, fluffy cats. Her mind racing on endlessly,
she began to imagine all sorts of images. One shape in
particular caught her eye; the shape of a mother holding her
baby. This held her thought, which sent her mind into a
trance state. On and on, the images developed as they
danced around the sky. Rosie turned, and focused her

attention towards a candle flickering placed on the window
ledge beside her. The yellow and orange coloured flame,
bright and comforting, reminded her of a lighthouse with its
warm glowing light directing ships in the darkness back to
shore to once again be near their loved ones. She gazed at
the candle flame glowing, giving her a feeling of warmth
and security all around her stiff and aching weary frame,
which reinforced her own belief that her son, FINLAY
SINCLAIR, whom Rosie referred to as ME LADDIE,
would also see the glow from the candle, giving him
guidance to find his way back to be reunited with the
mother he had not seen for over seven years.
“Do not worry Me Laddie,” she said. “I shall find a
way to bring us together again one day, just you wait and
see.”
Then a sweet, gentle, soft comforting voice echoed
around her interrupted her train of thought, jolting her back
to reality. Speaking quietly, so quiet that Rosie could just
make out what was being said, the voice said, “It's time”.
Rosie knew only too well what these words meant to her;
she began to whisper, “What is there left for me to say or
do?”
Tears clouded her bewildered eyes as she tried to
follow the last few passing shapes. She asked the "moving
objects to stop and listen to what she wanted to say.
Speaking with determination in her voice, she allowed her
decibels to reach out to the largest cloud in the sky which
came into view in the shape of a heart.
“Whenever you float past where Me Laddie is laid to
2
HOLDING BACK THE TEARS
rest can you please be sure to give him this message. Let
him know I have sent this heart filled with my love just for
him and I shall never let my love for him ever die. Now
away with you – go, go now and take my message to him
and do one more thing for me - follow him wherever he
may travel in his new world. Then I shall know he is never
ever going to be alone ever again.”
Feeling exhausted with her steady flow of tears, she
fought to bring them to a halt by using all the strength and
energy her body could muster to regain a small degree of
control over her emotional state. However, the physical and
mental suffering became more and more apparent to her
whenever she needed to release her pent up emotions, for
somehow her tears got stuck behind a huge large lump at
the back of her throat, obstructing their pathway towards
any remission. It felt as though a door had been slammed
shut, leaving her without an escape route from her stricken
heart.
“I am not ready to say goodbye Me Laddie,” she said,
watching as the clouds continued to move across the sky.
Stiff and rigid, her expression strong and full of
purpose, her voice began to quiver as she said,”One day I
shall be ready to say goodbye to you ME LADDIE, but not
yet.”
That very same moment the large heart shape cloud
voyaging through its journey in the sky split into two
pieces. One part went in one direction; the other part faded
out of sight to face the unknown. The candle glow had now
dimmed, bringing her reality once again back into the
forefront of her mind.