Sign in › VIEW LEADERBOARD
The Stroy of Jazzabelle
The Stroy of Jazzabelle
Her mother is dead, her father injured, and her uncle has made claims that her best friend has done it. She has an appetite for revenge, and there are people who want her dead. Will Jazzabelle get revenge, has her family lied to her upon their first meeting?
0Action / Adventure
Keonna Hunt (United States)
Chapter 1- The beginning
My name is Jazzabelle, I am 15 years old. I stand at about 5’4 and have black hair and green eyes. I have never met my parents because I was taken away from them due to my father’s rage and my mother’s great affection for the mad man. As a child I only made one friend, Rose. Her hair was red, eyes blue and had freckles all over her face. She stood at 5’3” and had a fantastic smile that could make anyone’s day a hell of a lot better. She didn’t know her parents because they were killed when her village was attacked by short men, or that is what her grandmother had told her. Just a year ago she had found out her parents were alive and she had a brother. She fell in love and as I was told killed my mother and harmed my father. As I entered middle school I had gotten more than enough attention by boys while my best friend was made fun of because of her figure. I stayed by her side and now I regret it.
Yesterday our town was attacked by my uncle and his soldiers. They grabbed me and took me to safety while anyone else who had any connections to Rose was killed on site. They raided her cabin but found nothing. I asked them why they were doing this and my uncle Clyde looked down on me and smirked.
“She killed your mother Jazzi. She pushed her in the river and made sure she drowned. Your mother was pregnant with a baby girl. Rose is an evil person who hates you. Look at this letter she sent you.”
The letter read ‘I am dearly sorry my friend, for I have killed someone you truly love. It was for the good of my people and nothing more. I am sorry and hope that one day you can forgive me. Till then Tata for now.’ That was it. I was no longer her friend, but her enemy and I was going to get my revenge no matter what it took.
“You will get your revenge Jazzi. I will train you and show you your powers. First, close your eyes I have a present for my dear niece.” I closed my eyes and my uncle slid a ring onto my finger. When I opened them I looked down onto my finger and there was a beautiful gold and purple ring. I looked up at my Uncle Clyde.
“Thank you uncle, it is truly beautiful.”
“Ah yes. However, what you don’t realize my dear Jazzabelle is that you are completely invisible. None of us can see you.”
I looked into a full length mirror and couldn’t see myself. If was weird, but left me with a feeling of empowerment. “How do I undo it?” I asked.
“Close your eyes and think about something you love. Something you would do anything for.”
I closed my eyes and envisioned my father and I being reunited and destroying Rose’s every love and hope. When I opened them I saw my reflection and my eyes had turned a purple color.
“Good. Looks like you have in under control. I suppose we can start with your training once we get to my kingdom.” As Clyde said this, a solider came up to him and nodded.
“They think she is dead sir. The plan is going well thus far. I believe it is safe for our departure.”
“Good, I am glad everything is going well. Let’s take to our leave darling.” We were off, riding on a horse on our way to my new home.
The forest felt like it just flew by us. When I took a deep breath the smells of the forest hit my senses. The river, the beautiful flowers and roses, all of it smelt so great. I relaxed laying my head on the soldier’s back smiling. I saw him look back at me with a light smile on his face and a look in his eyes that was fairly caring. I felt myself blush and he chuckled. “Hey Clyde, I think your niece has a crush on me.”
“Is that so? Why would you think that?”
“Well I looked back at her and smiled, and she went invisible.”
“Ah Jazzi, if you like him just say something.”
I took a deep breath and returned to being visible. “May I ask what your name is?” I asked trying to control my heart pace.
“My name is Alexander. I am the prince of Feytrem. I rule over the fey. Those are humans who have certain powers. There aren’t many left but the ones who are left will be stronger than any magical being ever born. “
“So Alexander, am I one of these Fey?”
“Well no Jazzabelle, you are what is known as an elder kin. Your father Diego was a great ruler, however he retired his kingdom to Clyde so he could be with you and your mother.”
“What is Clyde’s kingdom called?”
“Kingdom Of Thelian, otherwise known as kingdom of lions. He rules over a lot of people but he is the one who keeps the lions away from everywhere else” Alexander explained. I sighed thinking of other questions to ask. I don’t care what we’d talk about as long as it kept him talking.
“Alexander, how would you like to be the one to train Jazzi.”
“But sire I don’t know much about the kin.”
“No but you have helped many fey find their powers. She has found but one, oh and I would like you to take her into town for some clothes. I cannot send her alone. Someone might try to hurt her and I wouldn’t like anything to happen to my niece on the first day I have met her.”
“Yes sir, I can do that. Should I also introduce her to her other teachers and well as show her around town?”
“Yes please go ahead and do this.” As my uncle said the last thing we came to a stop at the bridge. “I will be in my quarters. You two go.” We rode into town and came to a stop in front of a clothing store. When we went in it smelt like candles and sweet perfume. I looked around touching the fabric grabbing a few and heading to the dressing rooms. Alexander stood outside waiting for me to come out. The first dress I tried on was a bright yellow color that poofed out a little at my waist and had jewels on the top. Alexander smiled at me.
“You look absolutely stunning. Your welcome ball is in a week, this is the dress you should wear to it. It hugs your figure.” I did a little curtsy to thank him and went to try my other two. The second one was more for days in town. A pink and white sundress, still slightly poofy but not as much as the first, it went to just slightly past my knee. As I twirled in this one Alexander had a worried look and turned around. “Get back in the room and don’t come out no matter what!”
I did as he said. I sat down and listened intently and I heard loud footsteps enter the room. “Where is she!?” A deep voice asked. “You won’t tell us? Not even say a word Alex!? Oh don’t tell me you fell in love with the wench?” Things started to clutter and bang, tables were turned and vases broken. Someone knocked the door down...
My name is Jazzabelle, I am 15 years old. I stand at about 5’4 and have black hair and green eyes. I have never met my parents because I was taken away from them due to my father’s rage and my mother’s great affection for the mad man. As a child I only made one friend, Rose. Her hair was red, eyes blue and had freckles all over her face. She stood at 5’3” and had a fantastic smile that could make anyone’s day a hell of a lot better. She didn’t know her parents because they were killed when her village was attacked by short men, or that is what her grandmother had told her. Just a year ago she had found out her parents were alive and she had a brother. She fell in love and as I was told killed my mother and harmed my father. As I entered middle school I had gotten more than enough attention by boys while my best friend was made fun of because of her figure. I stayed by her side and now I regret it.
Yesterday our town was attacked by my uncle and his soldiers. They grabbed me and took me to safety while anyone else who had any connections to Rose was killed on site. They raided her cabin but found nothing. I asked them why they were doing this and my uncle Clyde looked down on me and smirked.
“She killed your mother Jazzi. She pushed her in the river and made sure she drowned. Your mother was pregnant with a baby girl. Rose is an evil person who hates you. Look at this letter she sent you.”
The letter read ‘I am dearly sorry my friend, for I have killed someone you truly love. It was for the good of my people and nothing more. I am sorry and hope that one day you can forgive me. Till then Tata for now.’ That was it. I was no longer her friend, but her enemy and I was going to get my revenge no matter what it took.
“You will get your revenge Jazzi. I will train you and show you your powers. First, close your eyes I have a present for my dear niece.” I closed my eyes and my uncle slid a ring onto my finger. When I opened them I looked down onto my finger and there was a beautiful gold and purple ring. I looked up at my Uncle Clyde.
“Thank you uncle, it is truly beautiful.”
“Ah yes. However, what you don’t realize my dear Jazzabelle is that you are completely invisible. None of us can see you.”
I looked into a full length mirror and couldn’t see myself. If was weird, but left me with a feeling of empowerment. “How do I undo it?” I asked.
“Close your eyes and think about something you love. Something you would do anything for.”
I closed my eyes and envisioned my father and I being reunited and destroying Rose’s every love and hope. When I opened them I saw my reflection and my eyes had turned a purple color.
“Good. Looks like you have in under control. I suppose we can start with your training once we get to my kingdom.” As Clyde said this, a solider came up to him and nodded.
“They think she is dead sir. The plan is going well thus far. I believe it is safe for our departure.”
“Good, I am glad everything is going well. Let’s take to our leave darling.” We were off, riding on a horse on our way to my new home.
The forest felt like it just flew by us. When I took a deep breath the smells of the forest hit my senses. The river, the beautiful flowers and roses, all of it smelt so great. I relaxed laying my head on the soldier’s back smiling. I saw him look back at me with a light smile on his face and a look in his eyes that was fairly caring. I felt myself blush and he chuckled. “Hey Clyde, I think your niece has a crush on me.”
“Is that so? Why would you think that?”
“Well I looked back at her and smiled, and she went invisible.”
“Ah Jazzi, if you like him just say something.”
I took a deep breath and returned to being visible. “May I ask what your name is?” I asked trying to control my heart pace.
“My name is Alexander. I am the prince of Feytrem. I rule over the fey. Those are humans who have certain powers. There aren’t many left but the ones who are left will be stronger than any magical being ever born. “
“So Alexander, am I one of these Fey?”
“Well no Jazzabelle, you are what is known as an elder kin. Your father Diego was a great ruler, however he retired his kingdom to Clyde so he could be with you and your mother.”
“What is Clyde’s kingdom called?”
“Kingdom Of Thelian, otherwise known as kingdom of lions. He rules over a lot of people but he is the one who keeps the lions away from everywhere else” Alexander explained. I sighed thinking of other questions to ask. I don’t care what we’d talk about as long as it kept him talking.
“Alexander, how would you like to be the one to train Jazzi.”
“But sire I don’t know much about the kin.”
“No but you have helped many fey find their powers. She has found but one, oh and I would like you to take her into town for some clothes. I cannot send her alone. Someone might try to hurt her and I wouldn’t like anything to happen to my niece on the first day I have met her.”
“Yes sir, I can do that. Should I also introduce her to her other teachers and well as show her around town?”
“Yes please go ahead and do this.” As my uncle said the last thing we came to a stop at the bridge. “I will be in my quarters. You two go.” We rode into town and came to a stop in front of a clothing store. When we went in it smelt like candles and sweet perfume. I looked around touching the fabric grabbing a few and heading to the dressing rooms. Alexander stood outside waiting for me to come out. The first dress I tried on was a bright yellow color that poofed out a little at my waist and had jewels on the top. Alexander smiled at me.
“You look absolutely stunning. Your welcome ball is in a week, this is the dress you should wear to it. It hugs your figure.” I did a little curtsy to thank him and went to try my other two. The second one was more for days in town. A pink and white sundress, still slightly poofy but not as much as the first, it went to just slightly past my knee. As I twirled in this one Alexander had a worried look and turned around. “Get back in the room and don’t come out no matter what!”
I did as he said. I sat down and listened intently and I heard loud footsteps enter the room. “Where is she!?” A deep voice asked. “You won’t tell us? Not even say a word Alex!? Oh don’t tell me you fell in love with the wench?” Things started to clutter and bang, tables were turned and vases broken. Someone knocked the door down...
Read Reviews
Review 1:
Compelling hook?
Fresh?
Strong characters?
Entertaining?
Attention to mechanics
- The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
- There needs to be more balance between narration and dialogue. Avoid overdoing the narrative and remember that dialogue can diffuse long claustrophobic text.
Suspense and conflict
- The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. The first page should introduce some intrigue, something that causes the reader to turn the page. Think about the conflict and tension in your story. How effectively has it been introduced?
Style and originality
- Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose is tricky. As writers, we face the daunting task of making sure we are not being predictable. Can you find a way to give the content and characters more of a unique edge? Perhaps say something boldly, something fresh or show an unorthodox approach to a topic?
Authentic and vivid setting
- The scene needs to be vivid and realistic in order to hold the reader’s attention. Being concise and plausible at the same time is tricky. Giving this further attention could perhaps be worthwhile.