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Moments of Lucidity
Moments of Lucidity
Just a brief lesson in revenge.
3Crime / Suspense / Mystery / Thriller
Victoria Mineo (United States)
The realisation that I was in over my head didn't hit me until I entered the room, and then all at once it did. It came at me in a wave of unbearable heat and the most pungent smell I had ever encountered.
I paused there in the doorway for a minute, trying to take it all in.
That poor cramped little room stuffed to the gills with dressers, pictures and chairs. In a feeble attempt at creating a "homey" feel. All the while there in the middle of the room; dominating everything else; stood the hospital bed. Surrounded by machines, some buzzing, some beeping, one even breathing, but all existing for one reason. Keep the tiny almost memory of a woman buried deep within alive.
I approached the bed timidly. Which is odd being as I am not a timid person. Nonetheless my hands trembled and my brow sweat in anticipation, in fear, not of the frail thing before me, but of the fierce woman she once was. The madness she created.
Upon reaching the bed my fear turned to horror. There, floating in a mask of weakness, were those damnable eyes. Sharp and all knowing, looking straight through me and into me. Knowing my intentions, my plans to end it all, and begging please continue.
A nurse approached from behind me causing me to jump. Nearly knocking over one of the many vital looking machines.
She placed a gentle hand on my arm, steadying me. With her most reassuring smile, she said, "She seems lost now child, but she has her moments of lucidity, and in those I'm sure she remembers you."
"I'm sure she does." I replied as I leaned in kissing a withered cheek. I felt a feeble flinch, and with a feeling of triumph, I whispered softly, "I'll leave you with your moments."
I paused there in the doorway for a minute, trying to take it all in.
That poor cramped little room stuffed to the gills with dressers, pictures and chairs. In a feeble attempt at creating a "homey" feel. All the while there in the middle of the room; dominating everything else; stood the hospital bed. Surrounded by machines, some buzzing, some beeping, one even breathing, but all existing for one reason. Keep the tiny almost memory of a woman buried deep within alive.
I approached the bed timidly. Which is odd being as I am not a timid person. Nonetheless my hands trembled and my brow sweat in anticipation, in fear, not of the frail thing before me, but of the fierce woman she once was. The madness she created.
Upon reaching the bed my fear turned to horror. There, floating in a mask of weakness, were those damnable eyes. Sharp and all knowing, looking straight through me and into me. Knowing my intentions, my plans to end it all, and begging please continue.
A nurse approached from behind me causing me to jump. Nearly knocking over one of the many vital looking machines.
She placed a gentle hand on my arm, steadying me. With her most reassuring smile, she said, "She seems lost now child, but she has her moments of lucidity, and in those I'm sure she remembers you."
"I'm sure she does." I replied as I leaned in kissing a withered cheek. I felt a feeble flinch, and with a feeling of triumph, I whispered softly, "I'll leave you with your moments."
Read Reviews
Review 1:
Compelling hook?
Fresh?
Strong characters?
Entertaining?
Attention to mechanics
- You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
- Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
- Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Characterization
- Make sure your characters are multidimensional. Do they have strengths and weaknesses? Mere mortals make the most interesting stories because they are like you and me and we are able to empathize with their journey. That’s how the connection with a character is formed.
Main character
- Connect us to your main protagonist with a deeper characterization. Could your protagonist have a few more distinguishing character traits?
Character conflict
- Your characters drew me into their world from the very beginning. Their goals and conflicts were clearly conveyed.
Plot and pace
- Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a challenging balancing act. The story had a clear and coherent progression with a structured plot. A truly absorbing story!
Suspense and conflict
- The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. Think about the conflict and tension in your story. How effectively has it been introduced?
Technique and tight writing
- The writing was tight and economical and each word had purpose. This enabled the plot to unravel clearly. Your writing exhibits technical proficiency.
Point of view
- The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.
Style and originality
- I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice. Impressive.
Atmosphere and description
- Your story was a feast for the senses. The atmosphere wrapped itself around me and transported me onto the page alongside your characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
- The scene needs to be vivid and realistic in order to hold the reader’s attention. Being concise and plausible at the same time is tricky. Giving this further attention could perhaps be worthwhile.
Opening line, paragraph and hook
- Your great opening was a promise of wonderful things to come. I was hooked!
Review 2:
Compelling hook?
Fresh?
Strong characters?
Entertaining?
Attention to mechanics
- You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
- Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
- Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Plot and pace
- Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a challenging balancing act. The story had a clear and coherent progression with a structured plot. A truly absorbing story!
Technique and tight writing
- The writing was tight and economical and each word had purpose. This enabled the plot to unravel clearly. Your writing exhibits technical proficiency.
Authentic and vivid setting
- The setting was realistic and vivid. The characters’ mood and emotions were conveyed successfully through the believable setting.