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The Curious Happening of an Entomologist's Journey
The Curious Happening of an Entomologists Journey.
Grober Schillerfalter (Purple Emperor) over the last few months had gained a great deal of weight, and as he took his seat on the Glasgow train he took up most of the two places. As the train left the station he reached under the table and retracted a large holdall. Unzipping it he removed a copy of European Butterflies and Moths by W. F. Kirby, then taking out the rest of the contents, assorted cans of pop, bags of crisps, popcorn, Mars bars, Snickers and many other chocolate treats. Soon he was noisily munching, chewing and making a mess of his immediate surroundings, as well as himself with bits of crisps and chocolate around his mouth.
After all this he sat very still and quiet with a blank stare and his stomach began gurgling, rumbling, dancing and popping under his brown knitted sweater made by his elderly aunt. The only thing moving was his fidgeting fingers that tugged and played with the hem of his sweater. Fortunately, or unfortunately his fingers found the end thread that had not been securely finished, and he tugged at it. So much so that he’d wrapped his two fingers in the brown wool. The man sitting opposite had his eyes transfixed as the thread of wool darted to and fro across his large rotund belly. It zig zagged across him disappearing under his jacket both sides and inched up over his stomach to his chest revealing a brightly patterned blue and purple Hawaiian shirt. By this time the wool wrapped around his hand was the size of a small bowling ball.
After a few hours an announcement came over the train’s tannoy system telling passengers they were approaching the last stop. Grober Schillerfalter slowly but carefully removed the ball from his hand, picked up his book and all the debris around him and put it all in his bag, took out a tissue from his jacket and wiped his face and hands. The squealing breaks and rocking of the track stirred him deeply as if something excitingly different was going to happen soon. He felt remarkably abnormal in some way but couldn’t explain it. Onto the platform with a few others and he glanced around to get his bearings, and walked over to a large rubbish bin. He stood looking down into the empty space, and into it threw his bag, then his coat, what remained of his sweater and his shoes.
The platform was nearly empty on this sunny Sunday morning and he turned and moved towards the exit. As he walked he unbuttoned the Hawaiian shirt holding the bottom corners with his hands. He raised his arms and flapped them as his heals rose. He flapped his arms again and again several times and his toes gently left the platform surface as he fluttered silently out of the station.
Grober Schillerfalter (Purple Emperor) over the last few months had gained a great deal of weight, and as he took his seat on the Glasgow train he took up most of the two places. As the train left the station he reached under the table and retracted a large holdall. Unzipping it he removed a copy of European Butterflies and Moths by W. F. Kirby, then taking out the rest of the contents, assorted cans of pop, bags of crisps, popcorn, Mars bars, Snickers and many other chocolate treats. Soon he was noisily munching, chewing and making a mess of his immediate surroundings, as well as himself with bits of crisps and chocolate around his mouth.
After all this he sat very still and quiet with a blank stare and his stomach began gurgling, rumbling, dancing and popping under his brown knitted sweater made by his elderly aunt. The only thing moving was his fidgeting fingers that tugged and played with the hem of his sweater. Fortunately, or unfortunately his fingers found the end thread that had not been securely finished, and he tugged at it. So much so that he’d wrapped his two fingers in the brown wool. The man sitting opposite had his eyes transfixed as the thread of wool darted to and fro across his large rotund belly. It zig zagged across him disappearing under his jacket both sides and inched up over his stomach to his chest revealing a brightly patterned blue and purple Hawaiian shirt. By this time the wool wrapped around his hand was the size of a small bowling ball.
After a few hours an announcement came over the train’s tannoy system telling passengers they were approaching the last stop. Grober Schillerfalter slowly but carefully removed the ball from his hand, picked up his book and all the debris around him and put it all in his bag, took out a tissue from his jacket and wiped his face and hands. The squealing breaks and rocking of the track stirred him deeply as if something excitingly different was going to happen soon. He felt remarkably abnormal in some way but couldn’t explain it. Onto the platform with a few others and he glanced around to get his bearings, and walked over to a large rubbish bin. He stood looking down into the empty space, and into it threw his bag, then his coat, what remained of his sweater and his shoes.
The platform was nearly empty on this sunny Sunday morning and he turned and moved towards the exit. As he walked he unbuttoned the Hawaiian shirt holding the bottom corners with his hands. He raised his arms and flapped them as his heals rose. He flapped his arms again and again several times and his toes gently left the platform surface as he fluttered silently out of the station.
Read Reviews
Review 1:
Compelling hook?
Fresh?
Strong characters?
Entertaining?
Attention to mechanics
- The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
- You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
- Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Characterization
- Your characters were multidimensional. I found them believable and engaging and they genuinely responded to the events of the story.
Main character
- Your protagonist exhibited a unique voice and had original characteristics. Their actions and dialogue were convincing!
Style and originality
- I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice. Impressive.
Atmosphere and description
- Your story was a feast for the senses. The atmosphere wrapped itself around me and transported me onto the page alongside your characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
- The setting was realistic and vivid. The characters’ mood and emotions were conveyed successfully through the believable setting.
Review 2:
Compelling hook?
Fresh?
Strong characters?
Entertaining?
Attention to mechanics
- The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
- Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
- The protagonist didn’t always respond believably against the backdrop of the story. Ask yourself if people would really answer to a situation in that way. Think about whether the characters’ voices could be more convincing for their age, background, gender, time period, genre, gender and ethnicity. Dialogue should be natural and consistent throughout the story.
Characterization
- Make sure your characters are multidimensional. Do they have strengths and weaknesses? Mere mortals make the most interesting stories because they are like you and me and we are able to empathize with their journey. That’s how the connection with a character is formed.
Main character
- Connect us to your main protagonist with a deeper characterization. Could your protagonist have a few more distinguishing character traits?
Character conflict
- The reader’s experience of the story is heightened when the characters’ goals, conflicts and purpose are clear. Perhaps giving this aspect of the story further attention could be worthwhile.
Plot and pace
- Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a difficult balancing act. Are you sure all the material is relevant to the plot, setting and atmosphere? Make sure each sentence makes sense to the reader, and each paragraph moves their experience forward.
Suspense and conflict
- The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. Think about the conflict and tension in your story. How effectively has it been introduced?
Technique and tight writing
- When writing is tight, economical and each word has purpose, it enables the plot to unravel clearly. Try and make each individual word count.
Point of view
- Point of view helps the reader identify whose perspective we are engaging with, i.e. who is narrating the story. It can sometimes be helpful to double check that the point of view in the story is successfully handled. Ensure you consistently use the same point of view and tense throughout, either: a) First person; b) Third-person limited; or c) Third-person omniscient.
Style and originality
- Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose is tricky. As writers, we face the daunting task of making sure we are not being predictable. Can you find a way to give the content and characters more of a unique edge? Perhaps say something boldly, something fresh or show an unorthodox approach to a topic?
Atmosphere and description
- A writer’s ability to create mood and atmosphere through evocative description is vital to the reader’s experience. It’s a real skill to craft out how the characters react to the setting and atmosphere and perhaps your story could go further in its description. The reader wants to experience the same sensory and poignant journey as the characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
- The scene needs to be vivid and realistic in order to hold the reader’s attention. Being concise and plausible at the same time is tricky. Giving this further attention could perhaps be worthwhile.
Opening line, paragraph and hook
- Your great opening was a promise of wonderful things to come. I was hooked!
Review 3:
Compelling hook?
Fresh?
Strong characters?
Entertaining?
Attention to mechanics
- The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
- Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
- Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Characterization
- Your characters were multidimensional. I found them believable and engaging and they genuinely responded to the events of the story.
Main character
- Your protagonist exhibited a unique voice and had original characteristics. Their actions and dialogue were convincing!
Character conflict
- Your characters drew me into their world from the very beginning. Their goals and conflicts were clearly conveyed.
Plot and pace
- Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a challenging balancing act. The story had a clear and coherent progression with a structured plot. A truly absorbing story!
Suspense and conflict
- The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. The build-up was intriguing and I felt the tension mounting with each word.
Technique and tight writing
- When writing is tight, economical and each word has purpose, it enables the plot to unravel clearly. Try and make each individual word count.
Point of view
- The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.
Style and originality
- I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice. Impressive.
Atmosphere and description
- Your story was a feast for the senses. The atmosphere wrapped itself around me and transported me onto the page alongside your characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
- The setting was realistic and vivid. The characters’ mood and emotions were conveyed successfully through the believable setting.
Opening line, paragraph and hook
- Your great opening was a promise of wonderful things to come. I was hooked!