They say that you remember your first love for the rest of your life. That doesn't mean every day of your existence is bound to heart wrenching pain and endless cries of "almost". It simply means that one day, whether you are sitting on your leather sofa listening to your husband snoring softly beside you, hands sprawled in opposing directions, or on a plane flying to a buisness meeting in Japan. You will smell the scent of Bleu De Omiree cologne that you recognize a bit to well from those countless 3 am drunken nights you spent with your head across his chest and your feet intertwined, or you'll spot a bright yellow bike nearly identical to the one he bought at that early morning yardsale that June. And it will unintentionally bring you back to being 17 and in love, not a care in the world. Hot summer nights with your hair blown across your sunburnt cheeks and the radio turned up so loud you can't hear your own thoughts. It will bring you back to screaming effortlessly to the sky and begging him to change his mind, mascara stained cheeks and cheap vodka. It will bring you back to forgiveness and accepting that sometimes, its just not mean't to be. Sometimes no matter how bad your heart aches for him, the universe ultimately has so much greater in store. It will bring you back to so many amazing memories, mistakes, tears, and regrets. It will bring you back to car rides to the coffee shop intead of school as soon as he got his liscence. It will ignite the same sort of fire in you as was in your mother when she got that call from school asking where you were. These thoughts will hit you when you are alone, no one to bother you or make you feel guilty. Sometimes you will ask yourself if moving on really was the best option, as you know early on that the passion of your first love could never measure up to those following. Could you have changed his mind if you kept trying? One more desperate phone call and would he have appologized? Endless summer and blackberry wine and knock out roses picked exspecially to sit behind your ear. Or would it have have been secrets kept and broken promises and the words "you promised" becoming more of a question than a statement. It will be your 30th birthday and your current boyfriend will surprise you with an expensive ring and bakery made cake. But you won't ever be able to stop remembering the time so many years before that he made you one from a box an scribbled "Happy Birthday Baby" across the top in bright pink frosting and then pinky promised you forever and a day, and no amount of money spent could ever mean anything like his words did that night. Remembering him will be so bittersweet. After all, he was the one you shared your secrets with, your dreams, your nightmares. He was the first boy you ever let explore every hidden mystery you withold. It's true in every sense of its meaning, you do not ever forget your first love, the memory only fades a little day by day, only to be awakened by the mere scent of his cologne on a lazy April day.