VIEW LEADERBOARD

One shot to change a life

One shot to change a life

Sephora was captured 4 years ago by a well known assassin and, eager to escape her previous life, she'd make no escape attempt. Today she embarks on her first mission as an assassin with a guilty conscience.

0

Crime / Suspense / Mystery / Thriller

author-small

Danni Clarke (United Kingdom)



When she first saw him her world slowed to a stop, he was the one she had been waiting for. She knew her life would never be the same again because she'd found him. He was going to be her first kill.

Stood shivering in the snow Sephora wondered what had become of her. She'd never had dreamt of doing anything this brutal a few years ago, yet here she was, her heavy boots leaving footprints in the otherwise unmarked snow, waiting for her victim. It was 4 years since she'd been kidnapped, only 15 years of age at the time, but unlike most people would she'd had no desire to escape, until now. She'd known her captor was an assassin, but making her do his work just seemed lazy. She had a conscience, she knew she did because of the overwhelming guilt and sorrow which was seeping into her brain at the thought of taking this innocent life. The wind was making her elegant green dress flap at her ankles. Not only did he want her to take a life, she had to do it dressed like a fool. Once she'd thought he could actually be her friend, she'd been so desperate to leave her previous life. Now she realised she was just his play-thing.

A client wanted them dead, not her, so why did she have to be the one with his blood on her hands? This didn't seem fair. A shiver went up her spine as though there were a thousand tiny beetles scuttling up her bare skin. She couldn't do it... No she had to. It was this or her own death, and she was too young for the latter.

The target emerged from hiding, this was her cue. She drew her gun and pointed it directly towards his head, just one shot... one shot and this would be over with. Her dainty fingers lightly stroked the trigger. She couldn't give her captor the satisfaction of murdering her, but there had to be a way to let him stay alive. Think Sephora, think. Just kill him a nagging voice in her head repeated, just do it.

He'd noticed her, and it didn't look as though he would show mercy. Shouting and screaming abuse he charged towards her, a loaded gun in his hand. Sephora's shaking hands released the trigger as though in slow motion. The bullet landed in between his eye's drilling a hole into his brain. His lifeless body collapsed, the scarlet blood staining the crystal like snow, giving the impression of a painting, beautiful yet tragic.

Relief engulfed her, not the emotion she'd expected to feel. She smoothed down her dress as she looked around her to ensure she'd remained unseen. Her heart was beating rapidly, it was over. She could see why her captor did this now, it was exhilarating, as though you absorb the energy from your victim afterwards, but now the guilt comes in.

The last step was to hide the body. Her long blonde hair was skimming through the pool of blood as she knelt beside him to pick him up. Strict instructions had been given to her, she was to dump the body in the waste disposal bin and then vacate the premesis immediately, an easy task which was completed in minutes. She was undeniably good at this.

This could be a career option for her. An assassin with a guilty conscience, oh how wonderfully ironic that would be.


Competition: June 2015 Pen Factor, Round 1

SEE MORE LIKE THIS



Read Reviews

Review 1:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to mechanics
  • The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
  • Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Characterization
  • Your characters were multidimensional. I found them believable and engaging and they genuinely responded to the events of the story.
Main character
  • Connect us to your main protagonist with a deeper characterization. Could your protagonist have a few more distinguishing character traits?
Character conflict
  • Your characters drew me into their world from the very beginning. Their goals and conflicts were clearly conveyed.
Plot and pace
  • Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a challenging balancing act. The story had a clear and coherent progression with a structured plot. A truly absorbing story!
Suspense and conflict
  • The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. The build-up was intriguing and I felt the tension mounting with each word.
Technique and tight writing
  • The writing was tight and economical and each word had purpose. This enabled the plot to unravel clearly. Your writing exhibits technical proficiency.
Point of view
  • The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.
Style and originality
  • I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice. Impressive.
Atmosphere and description
  • Your story was a feast for the senses. The atmosphere wrapped itself around me and transported me onto the page alongside your characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
  • The setting was realistic and vivid. The characters’ mood and emotions were conveyed successfully through the believable setting.
Opening line, paragraph and hook
  • Great stories, nowadays, start with a powerful opening line and compelling hook in order to keep the reader engaged. Have you baited the reader enough?

Review 2:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to mechanics
  • You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
  • Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Characterization
  • Make sure your characters are multidimensional. Do they have strengths and weaknesses? Mere mortals make the most interesting stories because they are like you and me and we are able to empathize with their journey. That’s how the connection with a character is formed.
Main character
  • Connect us to your main protagonist with a deeper characterization. Could your protagonist have a few more distinguishing character traits?
Character conflict
  • Your characters drew me into their world from the very beginning. Their goals and conflicts were clearly conveyed.
Plot and pace
  • Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a challenging balancing act. The story had a clear and coherent progression with a structured plot. A truly absorbing story!
Suspense and conflict
  • The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. Think about the conflict and tension in your story. How effectively has it been introduced?
Technique and tight writing
  • When writing is tight, economical and each word has purpose, it enables the plot to unravel clearly. Try and make each individual word count.
Point of view
  • The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.
Style and originality
  • Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose is tricky. As writers, we face the daunting task of making sure we are not being predictable. Can you find a way to give the content and characters more of a unique edge? Perhaps say something boldly, something fresh or show an unorthodox approach to a topic?
Atmosphere and description
  • Your story was a feast for the senses. The atmosphere wrapped itself around me and transported me onto the page alongside your characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
  • The setting was realistic and vivid. The characters’ mood and emotions were conveyed successfully through the believable setting.
Opening line, paragraph and hook
  • Your great opening was a promise of wonderful things to come. I was hooked!

Review 3:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to mechanics
  • The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
  • Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Characterization
  • Your characters were multidimensional. I found them believable and engaging and they genuinely responded to the events of the story.
Main character
  • Your protagonist exhibited a unique voice and had original characteristics. Their actions and dialogue were convincing!
Character conflict
  • Your characters drew me into their world from the very beginning. Their goals and conflicts were clearly conveyed.
Plot and pace
  • Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a challenging balancing act. The story had a clear and coherent progression with a structured plot. A truly absorbing story!
Suspense and conflict
  • The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. The build-up was intriguing and I felt the tension mounting with each word.
Technique and tight writing
  • The writing was tight and economical and each word had purpose. This enabled the plot to unravel clearly. Your writing exhibits technical proficiency.
Point of view
  • The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.
Style and originality
  • I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice. Impressive.
Atmosphere and description
  • Your story was a feast for the senses. The atmosphere wrapped itself around me and transported me onto the page alongside your characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
  • The setting was realistic and vivid. The characters’ mood and emotions were conveyed successfully through the believable setting.
Opening line, paragraph and hook
  • Your great opening was a promise of wonderful things to come. I was hooked!
  • Great stories, nowadays, start with a powerful opening line and compelling hook in order to keep the reader engaged. Have you baited the reader enough?