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Sacrifice
Sacrifice
A small glimpse into a dark world.
0Paranormal fiction / Magic realism
Victoria Mineo (United States)
She enters the macabre chapel through massive ornate double doors, hesitating only a moment, she begins down the middle isle. Carful to keep her head forward, shoulders back. Afraid that the slightest show of weakness maight provoke the terrifiying faceless congregation inhabiting the pews.
With her eyes glued to the stone slab at the front of the dimly lit room, she slowly makes her way forward. Her legs begin to tremble ever so slightly. Still she moves forward. Her brow begins to sweat. Her nostrils are filled with the sickening smell of melting wax and sulfur. Still her resolve does not falter. For he is there waiting. He whom she must obey, He for whom she will sacrifice all.
In one hand he holds a collar, attached to a chain, attached to the slab. In the other he holds a long blade. On his face he wears a knowing look, confident that in her he has found the one.
The congregation begins to hiss their devilish apporval as he places the collar around her neck and leads her willingly to the alter. Their hisses become a low roar as the uses the blade to cut away her robs. Even the most wicked eyes dare not deny the beauty of the devil's chosen, on desplay before them.
Her heart begins to race as he runs the blade along her tender skin. She whimpers, her thighs moisten, as the blade whispers promises of what's to come. Her grasp on reality begins to slip as the tip enters vulnerable thigh.
She can feel the life flowing from her body as the blood pools on the alter beneath her. For the first time her fear takes over. She begins to protest, but befor the cry can cross her lips, he slashes his rist and shoves it harshly between them. She chokes and sputters as his warm tanted blood pours down her throat. Blackness takes over reality. Death takes over life.
She exits the macabre chapel through massive ornate double doors. There is no hesitation.
With her eyes glued to the stone slab at the front of the dimly lit room, she slowly makes her way forward. Her legs begin to tremble ever so slightly. Still she moves forward. Her brow begins to sweat. Her nostrils are filled with the sickening smell of melting wax and sulfur. Still her resolve does not falter. For he is there waiting. He whom she must obey, He for whom she will sacrifice all.
In one hand he holds a collar, attached to a chain, attached to the slab. In the other he holds a long blade. On his face he wears a knowing look, confident that in her he has found the one.
The congregation begins to hiss their devilish apporval as he places the collar around her neck and leads her willingly to the alter. Their hisses become a low roar as the uses the blade to cut away her robs. Even the most wicked eyes dare not deny the beauty of the devil's chosen, on desplay before them.
Her heart begins to race as he runs the blade along her tender skin. She whimpers, her thighs moisten, as the blade whispers promises of what's to come. Her grasp on reality begins to slip as the tip enters vulnerable thigh.
She can feel the life flowing from her body as the blood pools on the alter beneath her. For the first time her fear takes over. She begins to protest, but befor the cry can cross her lips, he slashes his rist and shoves it harshly between them. She chokes and sputters as his warm tanted blood pours down her throat. Blackness takes over reality. Death takes over life.
She exits the macabre chapel through massive ornate double doors. There is no hesitation.
Read Reviews
Review 1:
Compelling hook?
Fresh?
Strong characters?
Entertaining?
Attention to mechanics
- You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
- There needs to be more balance between narration and dialogue. Avoid overdoing the narrative and remember that dialogue can diffuse long claustrophobic text.
Point of view
- Point of view helps the reader identify whose perspective we are engaging with, i.e. who is narrating the story. It can sometimes be helpful to double check that the point of view in the story is successfully handled. Ensure you consistently use the same point of view and tense throughout, either: a) First person; b) Third-person limited; or c) Third-person omniscient.
Style and originality
- Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose is tricky. As writers, we face the daunting task of making sure we are not being predictable. Can you find a way to give the content and characters more of a unique edge? Perhaps say something boldly, something fresh or show an unorthodox approach to a topic?
Atmosphere and description
- Your story was a feast for the senses. The atmosphere wrapped itself around me and transported me onto the page alongside your characters.
Opening line, paragraph and hook
- Your great opening was a promise of wonderful things to come. I was hooked!
Review 2:
Compelling hook?
Fresh?
Strong characters?
Entertaining?
Attention to mechanics
- You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
- Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
- Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Main character
- Connect us to your main protagonist with a deeper characterization. Could your protagonist have a few more distinguishing character traits?
Plot and pace
- Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a difficult balancing act. Are you sure all the material is relevant to the plot, setting and atmosphere? Make sure each sentence makes sense to the reader, and each paragraph moves their experience forward.
Suspense and conflict
- The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. The build-up was intriguing and I felt the tension mounting with each word.
Review 3:
Compelling hook?
Fresh?
Strong characters?
Entertaining?
Attention to mechanics
- The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
- There needs to be more balance between narration and dialogue. Avoid overdoing the narrative and remember that dialogue can diffuse long claustrophobic text.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
- The protagonist didn’t always respond believably against the backdrop of the story. Ask yourself if people would really answer to a situation in that way. Think about whether the characters’ voices could be more convincing for their age, background, gender, time period, genre, gender and ethnicity. Dialogue should be natural and consistent throughout the story.
Main character
- Connect us to your main protagonist with a deeper characterization. Could your protagonist have a few more distinguishing character traits?
Character conflict
- Your characters drew me into their world from the very beginning. Their goals and conflicts were clearly conveyed.