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MESSAGES

MESSAGES

Future explorers encounter a strange planet possibly holding answers to many important questions that have haunted humanity for aeons.

1

Fantasy / Sci-fi


author-small

Jeff Stone (United States)


Chardon Vikroy, Chief Starship Commander—Discovery Division, motioned toward a chair as Jarslav Stanislaw entered his quarters.
"Jarslav, so good of you to join me."
"My apologies for being late, Commander."
"Jarslav, how long have we been friends?"
"Fourteen years."
"Yes, fourteen years, and so many good times. Now you're the Esteemed Fellow of Archives aboard the Starship IUP Nulli Secundus. We haven't had a chance, just the two of us, to drink to that. What would you like?"
"Commander, I really have lots of work to do."
"Jarslav, you've stopped calling me Chardon in my own quarters and you're consistently working late. Those aren't healthy precedents."
"I'm sorry, sir. I'm mean, I'm just overwhelmed, Chardon. We've been compiling reports from the surface team. You won't believe the findings."
"Actually I would because I'm holding answers to many of my lifelong questions."
"How did you?"
"Jarslav, have you forgotten that I'm still the commander?"
"Of course not."
"Maybe you've forgotten how much your particular area of expertise interests me. Your academy thesis on human origin was particularly compelling."
"Thank you. I haven't forgotten."
"Slow down, my friend. Are you going to tell me your preference or will I have to order a drink for both of us?"
After Vikroy's material emulator produced drinks, he and his subordinate reclined in uniforms identical except for small detachable insignias just below the right shoulder blade. The Intergalactic Union of Planets (IUP) expected all personnel to be seamless teams in times of peace and wanted no visual markings to distinguish commanding officers during any potential conflicts. All personnel wore a small wristband capable of producing a holographic file of detailed information. A self-destruct function corroded the hardware in the event of capture.
Conflicts and capture of IUP personnel had been rare in the last few centuries but men like Commander Vikroy reminded everyone the universe was expanding at an increasing rate while strange discoveries were continually being made. Most intelligent life encountered on Vikroy's explorations had been amenable towards IUP's mission of enlightened self-interest. Some societies had already accepted invitations to enter IUP under probationary status. IUP had continued to grow because members understood contributions to the union were rewarded. New advances in cellular therapy, for example, that helped beings live longer and healthier lives might allow others more years to develop new foods or create enhanced edutainment options. Ancient human civilizations had used economic philosophies based on monetary exchange in attempts to create similar results but failed because they lacked proper incentives. IUP had no such obstacles. Technology had fulfilled all the basic needs of all IUP subjects. Food, shelter, and security were easily provided. When needed, IUP could induce rain, disrupt potentially damaging storms, deactivate volcanoes, smooth tectonic plates, and gradually replenish diminished magnetospheres. Much of the technology consisted of advanced applications of lasers and magnetic forces, but IUP scientists had also learned to harness the natural resources of various stellar bodies while gaining understanding of the specific composition of the space-time continuum. Most important, native IUP subjects were born collaborators.
Having fulfilled physical needs and desires through technology many millennia ago, subjects had turned their attention to spiritual and ethical concerns. Although historians and scholars couldn't reach a clear consensus on the specific period of time, there were two to three centuries of turmoil known as The Great Unrest when widespread violence erupted between subjects and even some of the planets with disastrous results. Afterwards IUP established more academies for its most gifted children and expedited interplanetary transfers for those who excelled in particular specialties since everyone knew Yadimo 4 was the best place for logistical scientists while Simbherr 3 was the greatest spot for aspiring horticulturalists. Galactic travel allowed willing children to attend academies on distant planets once they formed a strong desire and demonstrated aptitude in a particular field. Compressed school calendars and distance education allowed them to spend several months consecutively with their parents. Cooperation allowed planets that were strong in agriculture to exchange some of their experts for engineers or doctors and vice versa. IUP also had many rotating positions that allowed personnel to work on one planet for a period before moving on to another. This allowed productive personnel to travel and also spread their expertise throughout IUP.
"Jarslav, what has been the greatest achievement of IUP?"
"Imbuing a collective spirit of collaboration. Everyone knows that."
"Good. Maybe I won't have to order you to take recuperative leave on one of the resort planets."
"You wouldn't dare do that right now."
"I do what's in the best interest of the crew."
After The Great Unrest IUP also took steps to rehabilitate malcontents. Unproductive, violent, or otherwise disorderly subjects were taught the benefits of a collaborative life in rehabilitation centers if a fair trail determined such action was necessary. Most of them eventually understood they could work in whatever field they chose as long as they were productive and ethical. Productivity would result in their choice of life on other planets, exotic vacations, and engaging simulations in IUP entertainment units. Noncompliance or any sort of activity against the collaborative aims of IUP that proved incorrigible would result in the choice of residence in a labor camp on Lazaretus 8, house arrest, or exile to Carsezno 8—a barren planet transformed into a penal colony. Most current IUP subjects couldn't imagine being born without an inherent desire for collaboration because human spirituality had evolved and medical science had virtually eradicated mental illness but they were taught such people had existed and could perhaps exist again if all subjects were not thoughtful when making their choices.
If too many people pursued a vocation such as writing or farming, the incentives available per each person would diminish—information IUP made widely available. Conversely if there were not enough city planners or statisticians IUP would increase vacation and edutainment credits while increasing recruitment efforts. Subjects were allowed to pursue vocations and avocations of their choice but the undecided were often swayed by fluctuating benefits associated with various careers. Subjects were allowed to change careers after a period of productive service.
Vikroy had known he wanted to discover new worlds since he was old enough to gaze at the stars. The only trouble he consistently got into as a boy was a result of looking at stars when he should have been sleeping. Vikroy otherwise applied himself diligently to become the youngest starship commander in IUP history. He could've have chosen to shuttle civilians, transport resources, command security forces, escort diplomats, supervise scientific expeditions, coordinate climatic maneuvers, or do other tasks but he wanted to explore and discover. When Vikroy's vessel detected complex life forms, copious intelligence was gathered before first contact. Vikroy offered any type of technological, medical, or other assistance when pertinent but graciously retreated if his offers were spurned. He had yet to encounter any society more technologically advanced than IUP but he knew it could be in the next solar system. IUP had achieved travel between galaxies by learning how to rip tears in the space-time continuum but there were still mysteries. Its spaceships could detect and navigate around black holes, but no one fully understood them. No one knew exactly where the universe was going. Some historians uncovered evidence ancient humans had been certain it would end during a specific time frame, one day predicting a fiery demise while mere decades later prognosticating a gradual freeze. Their claims were reportedly based on science but men like Vikroy often struggled to understand how scientific men could have been so incredibly misled and yet so vainglorious. He preferred to believe such accounts were apocryphal. Of course there were lots of things he wanted to believe were apocryphal. IUP had a transcendental vision from its beginnings yet even it was marred by The Great Unrest. Humanity though had been marred by much worse. Vikroy knew he had discovered just how wrong it could have gone with this latest expedition.
"So what do you think, Jarslav?"
"Very good drink. Thank you."
"Of course, the ME made them. What do you really think about this planet?"
"It's odd. There might be advanced life under the oceans but something wiped out all complex life on land and poisoned the environment perhaps aeons ago."
"That something was war—just shortly after the first planetary colonists departed. Jasrslav, this is our motherland."
"You can't be serious."
"Why not?"
"Evidence indicates they received The Message."
"Yes."
"How? How could they annihilate themselves like that if they had received The Message?"
"Apparently they twisted it into a thousand or so different messages."
"How?"
"I believe you know already, but just don't want to say it. Most of them were relatively primitive humans unaware of or unconcerned about the spiritual realm. It's not our place to judge."
"So this was really it?"
"Yes. Tristitia 3 is the place they called Earth."


Competition: Friendly feedback, Round 1

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Read Reviews

Review 1:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to mechanics
  • You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • There needs to be more balance between narration and dialogue. Avoid overdoing the narrative and remember that dialogue can diffuse long claustrophobic text.
Character conflict
  • The reader’s experience of the story is heightened when the characters’ goals, conflicts and purpose are clear. Perhaps giving this aspect of the story further attention could be worthwhile.
Plot and pace
  • Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a difficult balancing act. Are you sure all the material is relevant to the plot, setting and atmosphere? Make sure each sentence makes sense to the reader, and each paragraph moves their experience forward.
Technique and tight writing
  • The writing was tight and economical and each word had purpose. This enabled the plot to unravel clearly. Your writing exhibits technical proficiency.
General comments from your fellow writer 1:
I definitely appreciated the futuristic theme of this story, and it was interesting right up until the revelation. I'm not quite sure about your plot though. It might have been helpful to clarify what exactly the Message WAS, in order to add to that play on human morality that I'm sure you were attempting.

Review 2:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to mechanics
  • You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
  • Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Characterization
  • Your characters were multidimensional. I found them believable and engaging and they genuinely responded to the events of the story.
Main character
  • Your protagonist exhibited a unique voice and had original characteristics. Their actions and dialogue were convincing.
Character conflict
  • Your characters drew me into their world from the very beginning. Their goals and conflicts were clearly conveyed.
Plot and pace
  • Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a challenging balancing act. The story had a clear and coherent progression with a structured plot.
Suspense and conflict
  • The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. The build-up was intriguing and I felt the tension mounting with each word.
Technique and tight writing
  • The writing was tight and economical and each word had purpose. This enabled the plot to unravel clearly. Your writing exhibits technical proficiency.
Point of view
  • The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.
Style and originality
  • I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice.
Atmosphere and description
  • Your story was a feast for the senses. The atmosphere wrapped itself around me and transported me onto the page alongside your characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
  • The setting was realistic and vivid. The characters’ mood and emotions were conveyed successfully through the believable setting.
Opening line, paragraph and hook
  • Great stories, nowadays, start with a powerful opening line and compelling hook in order to keep the reader engaged. Have you baited the reader enough?
General comments from your fellow writer 2:
I'm a little confused by the ending but it does make me intrigued to read more. Your story was very engaging!

Review 3:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to mechanics
  • The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • There needs to be more balance between narration and dialogue. Avoid overdoing the narrative and remember that dialogue can diffuse long claustrophobic text.
Characterization
  • Make sure your characters are multidimensional. Do they have strengths and weaknesses? Mere mortals make the most interesting stories because they are like you and me and we are able to empathize with their journey. That’s how the connection with a character is formed.
Main character
  • Connect us to your main protagonist with a deeper characterization. Could your protagonist have a few more distinguishing character traits?
Character conflict
  • The reader’s experience of the story is heightened when the characters’ goals, conflicts and purpose are clear. Perhaps giving this aspect of the story further attention could be worthwhile.
Plot and pace
  • Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a difficult balancing act. Are you sure all the material is relevant to the plot, setting and atmosphere? Make sure each sentence makes sense to the reader, and each paragraph moves their experience forward.
Technique and tight writing
  • When writing is tight, economical and each word has purpose, it enables the plot to unravel clearly. Try and make each individual word count.
Atmosphere and description
  • A writer’s ability to create mood and atmosphere through evocative description is vital to the reader’s experience. It’s a real skill to craft out how the characters react to the setting and atmosphere and perhaps your story could go further in its description. The reader wants to experience the same sensory and poignant journey as the characters.
General comments from your fellow writer 3:
Nice piece of writing. You've clearly put a lot of time and effort into developing the plot and history and background behind this story. I found it somewhat unbalanced between narrative and dialogue. The huge chunks of explaining the history and purposes and tasks of the Discovery Division etc. were tiresome and hard to read. I was longing to get back to the dialogue, find out what Chardon was going to say. I think there was an issue with the final section of dialogue - an extra "Yes" that didn't belong... Also a few other minor spelling/grammatical issues in the story. From about three quarters of the way into the story I could predict that Tristitia 3 is Earth so it was a bit of an anticlimax knowing that was coming. I wonder if you could have given it a further twist or made it more interesting somehow? I think it's a good story and probably will perform well in the genre. Keep it up!