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Now, Over The Years
Now, Over The Years
Short but deep conflict between a couple
0Flash fiction
Alejandro (United States)
And the wind grew furious as the night grew old. Her eyes were glowing as brown stones present in the light as she was staring at me for so long. No one could tell if she was happy or sad; all that mattered was the emotion she was showing. She was human, something that no one could take away and it was what made her so beautiful. Her hair was animated and colorful and looked as if it had been fixed beforehand. Her emotion was pure and swift as if she had cared for once and my heart was finally lifted.
“Why?! Why do you always have to keep things to yourself?!” she yelled
I sat in silence and watched as she stomped around the room uttering the words I got lost in so many years back. She was sincere and all I could’ve done was sit there with stupidity marked on my body and listen to her. No response left my mouth as I was filled with frustration and angst. More words as I was left with none in return. What was I to do? Let her say all the things she’s hid from me and let me take it all in. All of its glory and pride; let it come at me as if I’ve known for so many years. I felt the same too, I felt as if I was her, having to do everything alone with no help. The only difference was that I knew why I felt this way, I knew deep inside exactly why.
Her kindness was compelling to last me this long but no longer. Eroded as it falls and my patience had ended to the final wire. She has been nice but not forgiving and again I failed to see the same level of sight.
I know that I had just gotten carried away- with everything. The same waters that came crashing down on me before have come again to claim its final prize. This time, I knew that it was inevitable to escape. I knew that this time I had done wrong.
“They were all laughing at me weren’t they? - Am I not correct? - And you heard them and you listened to them! You took what they said to heart and you became lost! Now you are the one that is filled with more doubt than everyone in that room!”
I yelled in the seemingly empty hotel room. I felt bad now with regret upon my soul that had begun to sink with the elegant night. I had officially lost her and there was no point in trying to hold on any longer. I waited before I finished my thoughts in a soft, slow voice.
“How could I love when I cannot alone? How can I possibly love if you are not by my side? I’ve only felt despair and abandonment; I can’t hold it in anymore. The reason why I didn’t tell you is because I didn’t want you to sorry yourself, your innocence, your heart. I can’t do anything anymore without thinking about you and its killing me, I’m sorry!”
The room had fallen quiet and no movement was made except the tears that rolled smoothly down her perfect face. She knows too much now and it’s ruined. Everything we’ve done was for nothing and it was all of my doing. I know it wasn’t right but what was I to do? Turned out that nothing had changed from before, and the night was the same as it always has been. The air was not turning and the stars gleamed over my back. Yes, nothing had changed, not even for the better.
The End
“Why?! Why do you always have to keep things to yourself?!” she yelled
I sat in silence and watched as she stomped around the room uttering the words I got lost in so many years back. She was sincere and all I could’ve done was sit there with stupidity marked on my body and listen to her. No response left my mouth as I was filled with frustration and angst. More words as I was left with none in return. What was I to do? Let her say all the things she’s hid from me and let me take it all in. All of its glory and pride; let it come at me as if I’ve known for so many years. I felt the same too, I felt as if I was her, having to do everything alone with no help. The only difference was that I knew why I felt this way, I knew deep inside exactly why.
Her kindness was compelling to last me this long but no longer. Eroded as it falls and my patience had ended to the final wire. She has been nice but not forgiving and again I failed to see the same level of sight.
I know that I had just gotten carried away- with everything. The same waters that came crashing down on me before have come again to claim its final prize. This time, I knew that it was inevitable to escape. I knew that this time I had done wrong.
“They were all laughing at me weren’t they? - Am I not correct? - And you heard them and you listened to them! You took what they said to heart and you became lost! Now you are the one that is filled with more doubt than everyone in that room!”
I yelled in the seemingly empty hotel room. I felt bad now with regret upon my soul that had begun to sink with the elegant night. I had officially lost her and there was no point in trying to hold on any longer. I waited before I finished my thoughts in a soft, slow voice.
“How could I love when I cannot alone? How can I possibly love if you are not by my side? I’ve only felt despair and abandonment; I can’t hold it in anymore. The reason why I didn’t tell you is because I didn’t want you to sorry yourself, your innocence, your heart. I can’t do anything anymore without thinking about you and its killing me, I’m sorry!”
The room had fallen quiet and no movement was made except the tears that rolled smoothly down her perfect face. She knows too much now and it’s ruined. Everything we’ve done was for nothing and it was all of my doing. I know it wasn’t right but what was I to do? Turned out that nothing had changed from before, and the night was the same as it always has been. The air was not turning and the stars gleamed over my back. Yes, nothing had changed, not even for the better.
The End
Read Reviews
Review 1:
Compelling hook?
Fresh?
Strong characters?
Entertaining?
Attention to mechanics
- The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
- Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
- Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Characterization
- Your characters were multidimensional. I found them believable and engaging and they genuinely responded to the events of the story.
Main character
- Your protagonist exhibited a unique voice and had original characteristics. Their actions and dialogue were convincing.
Character conflict
- Your characters drew me into their world from the very beginning. Their goals and conflicts were clearly conveyed.
Plot and pace
- Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a challenging balancing act. The story had a clear and coherent progression with a structured plot.
Suspense and conflict
- The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. The build-up was intriguing and I felt the tension mounting with each word.
Technique and tight writing
- The writing was tight and economical and each word had purpose. This enabled the plot to unravel clearly. Your writing exhibits technical proficiency.
Point of view
- The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.
Style and originality
- I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice.
Atmosphere and description
- Your story was a feast for the senses. The atmosphere wrapped itself around me and transported me onto the page alongside your characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
- The setting was realistic and vivid. The characters’ mood and emotions were conveyed successfully through the believable setting.
Opening line, paragraph and hook
- Your strong opening was a promise of wonderful things to come!