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One Last Breath

One Last Breath

The story is about a young girl who lost her father, the only person in the world she loved the most

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Literary fiction

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Kyissa Almeida (United States)


One Last Breath
By: Kyissa Almeida

She gasped for air. Her lungs were closing up on her and all she could do was hold on to her last breath. As she thought she did not know if she truly wanted to breathe. Her father had just past away. The only thing in the world that could keep her sane was gone.
She remembered all those memories and traditions she once had with her father. How every year on her birthday her father would give her these precious red roses. They would go to her favorite restaurant every year and her father would always say he wasn’t going to get cake.But, she would always go to the bathroom for long enough for him to surprise her with a piece of chocolate cake, her favorite.
Her parents are divorced and she lived with her mother so she almost never saw her father. When she did she was happy as ever. Her mother always worked so she almost never saw her. She didn’t have many friends. She would always be that girl in the corner alone. The only thing she looked forward to is seeing her father.Now he is gone. Heart Attack. That’s how he died. He died in her arms and his last words were “Remember that I will always love you and I will always be in your heart” She thought who would she talk to and who would walk her down the aisle or teach how to drive.
As he took his last breathe she burst into tears.She felt that something died inside her. Her heart was shattered. She thought Who will love her as he did? and Would be there for her? So, she closed her eyes hoping she would not open them ever again and she would one day see him again.


Competition: Friendly feedback, Round 1

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Review 1:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to mechanics
  • You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
  • Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Characterization
  • Your characters were multidimensional. I found them believable and engaging and they genuinely responded to the events of the story.
Main character
  • Your protagonist exhibited a unique voice and had original characteristics. Their actions and dialogue were convincing.
Character conflict
  • Your characters drew me into their world from the very beginning. Their goals and conflicts were clearly conveyed.
Plot and pace
  • Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a challenging balancing act. The story had a clear and coherent progression with a structured plot.
Suspense and conflict
  • The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. Think about the conflict and tension in your story. How effectively has it been introduced?
Technique and tight writing
  • The writing was tight and economical and each word had purpose. This enabled the plot to unravel clearly. Your writing exhibits technical proficiency.
Point of view
  • The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.
Style and originality
  • I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice.
Atmosphere and description
  • Your story was a feast for the senses. The atmosphere wrapped itself around me and transported me onto the page alongside your characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
  • The setting was realistic and vivid. The characters’ mood and emotions were conveyed successfully through the believable setting.
Opening line, paragraph and hook
  • Your strong opening was a promise of wonderful things to come!
General comments from your fellow writer 1:
I like your tight and super-short story. It's very nice to read a short text with big and strong message. I only want to say that the words have special meanings in our literary world and your story shows this well.

Review 2:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to mechanics
  • The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
Characterization
  • Make sure your characters are multidimensional. Do they have strengths and weaknesses? Mere mortals make the most interesting stories because they are like you and me and we are able to empathize with their journey. That’s how the connection with a character is formed.
Main character
  • Connect us to your main protagonist with a deeper characterization. Could your protagonist have a few more distinguishing character traits?
Opening line, paragraph and hook
  • Your strong opening was a promise of wonderful things to come!

Review 3:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to mechanics
  • The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • There needs to be more balance between narration and dialogue. Avoid overdoing the narrative and remember that dialogue can diffuse long claustrophobic text.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
  • Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Characterization
  • Your characters were multidimensional. I found them believable and engaging and they genuinely responded to the events of the story.
Main character
  • Connect us to your main protagonist with a deeper characterization. Could your protagonist have a few more distinguishing character traits?
Character conflict
  • Your characters drew me into their world from the very beginning. Their goals and conflicts were clearly conveyed.
Plot and pace
  • Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a challenging balancing act. The story had a clear and coherent progression with a structured plot.
Suspense and conflict
  • The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. The build-up was intriguing and I felt the tension mounting with each word.
Technique and tight writing
  • The writing was tight and economical and each word had purpose. This enabled the plot to unravel clearly. Your writing exhibits technical proficiency.
Style and originality
  • Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose is tricky. As writers, we face the daunting task of making sure we are not being predictable. Can you find a way to give the content and characters more of a unique edge? Perhaps say something boldly, something fresh or show an unorthodox approach to a topic?
Atmosphere and description
  • Your story was a feast for the senses. The atmosphere wrapped itself around me and transported me onto the page alongside your characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
  • The setting was realistic and vivid. The characters’ mood and emotions were conveyed successfully through the believable setting.
Opening line, paragraph and hook
  • Your strong opening was a promise of wonderful things to come!
General comments from your fellow writer 3:
The story was bittersweet and shows a lot of promise. In my humble opinion, I would prefer the girl to have a name. That would elicit more of a connection with her and if it were her speaking rather than narration. But you did a good job of tugging on my heart-strings and I would like to read more.