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The Last Resort Agency
The Last Resort Agency
The cruelest lies are often told in silence and she depended on this lie. But when the truth is just behind her brown orbs, she still could not look her in the eye. “Who do you work for?” He slapped her for the fifth time and her right eye began to water from the impact of his large hand. Her eyes involuntarily sweep to the woman standing in the shadows and she whispers, “Melius potes, amice.” The heavyset man smirked and gripped her pony tail, “Don’t worry, I can do better.”
1Crime / Suspense / Mystery / Thriller
Miesha Lowery (United States)
Chapter 1- Oritentation
You would call her a typical mid 20’s single female with her dreams passing her by, but that was hardly the case. Once again she was unemployed fighting her way through life and love. “Pfft, love? I don’t even have a life yet to worry about love,” she muttered to herself as she pulled up to a large building that looked vacant. “Hmm,” she grabs her paperwork and I.D. as she exited the car and approached the door.”I guess I am at the right place, at least according to the GPS.” There was a young guy approaching the same door as she and he pushed a button. She raised an eyebrow, “Are you here for the exam?” He nods and once the door buzzes open, she follows him, step for step. She takes note of how everything seems bland like no one works here.
She is quickly disabused of that notion when she spots a middle aged woman sitting at a nondescript desk. Without a word, she hands the woman her paperwork and I.D.
“The test is 60 minutes long, pens, paper and cell phones are not allowed during the test. Is that clear?” The woman asked with a stern look and she nodded. “Your name?” she asked.
“Oh, right! MacKenzie...MacKenzie Connery.”
The older woman pressed a button on an intercom and to her right a door opened to reveal another woman with chocolate skin. The new, younger looking woman smiled as she said, “follow me.” She then turned and walked her to a cubicle, “This is where you take the computerized exam. Once finished, please exit quietly so others won’t be distrubed. Any questions?” Mac just shook her head wanting to get this over with as soon as possible. She needed a good job with great benefits and working for the Postal Service gave her just that. “Good luck.” The woman exited as Mac sat down in her chair and began the postal exam. “I hope I pass, I am five years away from thirty. I hate living pay check by pay check.” She thought to herself.
***
“Damn,” she berated herself mentally for missing nine questions due to the test being timed. “Nothing I can do about it now. Just have to power through just a little faster.” Finally finishing the exam she stood up and noticed more people from different age groups and backgrounds were quietly taking the test. “I really hope I passed.” She walked out the exam room and the chocolate skinned woman spoke again, “Your test results will arrive in 15 minutes in your email. That will be all.”
Mac sighed and nodded as she turned and walked out of the building and entered her car staring at the steering wheel. “You got this, Mac. You’ll be ahead of the game before you know it.” She turned the key in the ignition and drove off to her apartment.
***
It’s been over a month since her Postal Exam and she scored an 84% which is most definitely a passing grade, though she was not holding her breath about getting in. So she lined up job interviews left and right hoping to snag anything to help pay rent and bills. Her frustration grew with each passing day and she knew she was no good to anyone in that state of mind but she couldn’t see a solution short of finding a full time job. “At least being unemployed has some perks, like I can focus on my writing and photography,” she sighs as she settles in front of her computer. As she begins to type, her email notification alerts her of a new email from the postal service. She brings her cursor over the unread message and clicks on it. It reads:
“Ms. Connery,
We’d like to welcome you to the Postal Service and ask that you please attend orientation at the location stated below. Please be there fifteen minutes before 9 a.m. tomorrow. We look forward to seeing you.”
Her heart drops into the pit of her stomach and she jumps up from her spot and runs around her tiny apartment squealing in excitement. “You got this, Mac! Whoo!” After her little dance of excitement she finally calms down and mentally prepares herself for what’s to come. What could be more laboring than carrying mail around? She quickly realizes there isn’t any point in over thinking anything at the moment and maybe it’s better to just go with the flow and follow directions. Now she is set with a federal career that offers great benefits and a decent salary. As long as she gives them a good twenty years serving the public by hand delivering their mail, she can retire by the time she is 45 years old. “Though, I had always planned to retire by the time I was 40 but given the circumstances an extra five years won’t hurt,” as she thinks to herself.
***
Her nerves were all over the place as she hurriedly got herself ready for orientation. “If only I had gone to bed at a decent hour! I had to stay up and worry myself about what could go wrong. Well, how about being late for your orientation?!” Of course she mentally slapped herself for not going to bed a little earlier than usual. She grabbed her morning coffee, pen and notebook as she flew out the door to her car. She looked at the time on her car dashboard and she had ten minutes to be there and it takes her at least the same amount of time to get to the location.
“I hope traffic will be kind to me this morning…” she whispered to herself. After a few stop lights and one school bus she had made it there with two minutes to spare. She is one lucky little lady!
After getting herself checked in and seated in the last row she gradually pulled out her pen and paper as she anticipated taking notes during the whole orientation. What she noticed around her were at least 10 other people sitting and waiting patiently for the “boss” to come and speak with them. At exactly 9:05am a middle aged woman maybe in her 40’s stepped in front of the group wearing a black pencil skirt, white button up shirt and glasses as her hair was pulled up into a bun. Mac thought she looked more like a librarian than anything else.
“Hello, my name is Elexa Covington but you can call me Ms. Covington. I will be hosting your orientation today and I am your manager for this location. Those of you who applied at other locations will have Mr. Andreas Maxwell as your manager.”
She points to a tall blonde-haired blue-eyed man standing in a corner of the room observing the new hires. Mac couldn’t help but notice how handsome he was and as far as she could tell that could be a problem because the other girls in group were eyeing him like a tasty vanilla ice cream cone. Though she could not remember which location she had applied for, her dilemma was resolved when she heard Ms. Covington say, “For those of you that may have forgotten which location you applied to, the board on your left should jog your memory.”
Mac noted the tone in her voice sounded condescending, and she smirked to herself as she recalled huge chunks of the test she was given having to do with memory exercises.
Ms. Covington grabbed the Postal Service booklet and began to read a few key points from it. Mac tuned out the sound of the woman reading as she squinted her eyes to check the board for her location and lo and behold she is at the location of Mr. Maxwell. “Hopefully, I will not see him as much. Or come across the girls swooning for him,” she rolls her eyes to herself.
Mac was pulled from her thoughts by the rising volume of Ms. Covington’s voice as she said, “We’ll go around and introduce ourselves and explain why you joined the Postal Service and one thing we do not know about you. Who wants to go first?” There was a collective sigh and groan coming from the new hires and Mr. Maxwell couldn’t help but laugh a little. He stood up and introduced himself to break the ice.
“So as you already know my name is Andreas Maxwell for those of you in my location you can call me Andreas.” He smiled and all you can see is his perfect white teeth. Mac shook her head as she watched the girls swoon for this guy. He had to be in his 30’s. “I have worked for the postal service for ten years and one thing you don’t know about me is I am born of the Aryan race; the great-great grandson of Adolf Hitler…”
Read Reviews
Review 1:
Compelling hook?
Fresh?
Strong characters?
Entertaining?
Attention to mechanics
- The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
- Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
- Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Characterization
- Your characters were multidimensional. I found them believable and engaging and they genuinely responded to the events of the story.
Main character
- Connect us to your main protagonist with a deeper characterization. Could your protagonist have a few more distinguishing character traits?
Character conflict
- Your characters drew me into their world from the very beginning. Their goals, conflicts and purpose were clearly introduced and I wanted to find out more about them.
Plot and pace
- Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a challenging balancing act. The story had a clear and coherent progression with a structured plot.
Suspense and conflict
- The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. Your story makes compelling reading.
Technique and tight writing
- The writing was tight and economical and each word had purpose. This enabled the plot to unravel clearly. Your writing exhibits technical proficiency.
Point of view
- Point of view helps the reader identify whose perspective we are engaging with, i.e. who is narrating the story. It can sometimes be helpful to double check that the point of view in the story is successfully handled. Ensure you consistently use the same point of view and tense throughout.
Style and originality
- I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice.
Atmosphere and description
- Your story was a feast for the senses. The atmosphere wrapped itself around me and transported me onto the page alongside your characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
- The setting was realistic and vivid. The characters’ mood and emotions were conveyed successfully through the believable setting.
Opening line and hook
- Your strong opening and compelling hook was a promise of wonderful things to come!
General comments from your fellow writer 1:
Nice story, I am intrigued to see where it goes next! I am guessing this job is not quite the Postal Service that Mac thought she was applying for...! One comment: definitely needs some editing and clarity with regards to tense. You seem to oscillate between past tense and present tense eg. “Hmm,” she grabs (present tense) her paperwork and I.D. as she exited (past tense) the car and approached the door. “Damn,” she berated herself mentally (past tense) Her heart drops into the pit of her stomach and she jumps up from her spot and runs around her tiny apartment squealing in excitement. (present tense) Personally I think past tense is the more logical and expected tense. It's easier to read and probably a lot easier to write, so I would prefer to see the whole piece in past tense. Apart from these editing issues, I think your story is really strong. The pace is nice and fast, a good pace for reading. And the dialogue and character descriptions were witty and amusing. Keep up the great work!Review 2:
Compelling hook?
Fresh?
Strong characters?
Entertaining?
Attention to mechanics
- The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
- There needs to be more balance between narration and dialogue. Avoid overdoing the narrative and remember that dialogue can diffuse long claustrophobic text.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
- The protagonist didn’t always respond believably against the backdrop of the story. Ask yourself if people would really answer to a situation in that way. Think about whether the characters’ voices could be more convincing for their age, background, gender, time period, genre, gender and ethnicity. Dialogue should be natural and consistent throughout the story.
Characterization
- Make sure your characters are multidimensional. Do they have strengths and weaknesses? Mere mortals make the most interesting stories because they are like you and me and we are able to empathize with their journey. That’s how the connection with a character is formed.
Main character
- Connect us to your main protagonist with a deeper characterization. Could your protagonist have a few more distinguishing character traits?
Character conflict
- The reader’s experience of the story is heightened when the characters’ goals, conflicts and purpose are clear. Perhaps giving this aspect of the story further attention could be worthwhile.
Plot and pace
- Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a difficult balancing act. Are you sure all the material is relevant to the plot, setting and atmosphere? Make sure each sentence makes sense to the reader, and each paragraph moves their experience forward.
Suspense and conflict
- The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. The first page should introduce some intrigue, something that causes the reader to turn the page. Think about the conflict and tension in your story. How effectively has it been introduced?
Technique and tight writing
- When writing is tight, economical and each word has purpose, it enables the plot to unravel clearly. Try and make each individual word count.
Point of view
- Point of view helps the reader identify whose perspective we are engaging with, i.e. who is narrating the story. It can sometimes be helpful to double check that the point of view in the story is successfully handled. Ensure you consistently use the same point of view and tense throughout.
Style and originality
- Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose is tricky. As writers, we face the daunting task of making sure we are not being predictable. Can you find a way to give the content and characters more of a unique edge? Perhaps say something boldly, something fresh or show an unorthodox approach to a topic?
Atmosphere and description
- A writer’s ability to create mood and atmosphere through evocative description is vital to the reader’s experience. It’s a real skill to craft out how the characters react to the setting and atmosphere and perhaps your story could go further in its description. The reader wants to experience the same sensory and poignant journey as the characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
- The scene needs to be vivid and realistic in order to hold the reader’s attention. Being concise and plausible at the same time is tricky. Giving this further attention could perhaps be worthwhile.
Opening line and hook
- Great books, nowadays, start with a powerful opening and compelling hook in order to keep the reader engaged. Have you baited the reader enough?
General comments from your fellow writer 2:
The beginning was moving fairly well but the middle turned into more telling than showing. She did this or that rather than showing us how she felt. The 15 minute drive home distracted me for checking the clock to see my score. I flew up the steps of the brownstone opened my apartment door and a the email ding made my heart jump. "God I hope I passed," I said to no one but me my stomach clenching. One tap and my destiny would be known. The email opened. "89% " I yelled dancing kicking off my heels and jumping on the couch. "Yes!" A knock on the shared wall followed by a "Hey quiet down over there" let me know Mr. Rockner and I at least knew of my good fortune. You see she is excited and the story moves forward and you hear her thoughts as well. Overall the ending is intriguing but little hints along the way maybe a German flag in the otherwise nondescript room. Now that Hitler is introduce though I do wonder more about the chocolate skinned woman. Needs work, but I sense a story here.Review 3:
Compelling hook?
Fresh?
Strong characters?
Entertaining?
Attention to mechanics
- You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
- There needs to be more balance between narration and dialogue. Avoid overdoing the narrative and remember that dialogue can diffuse long claustrophobic text.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
- Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Main character
- Connect us to your main protagonist with a deeper characterization. Could your protagonist have a few more distinguishing character traits?
Suspense and conflict
- The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. The first page should introduce some intrigue, something that causes the reader to turn the page. Think about the conflict and tension in your story. How effectively has it been introduced?
Authentic and vivid setting
- The scene needs to be vivid and realistic in order to hold the reader’s attention. Being concise and plausible at the same time is tricky. Giving this further attention could perhaps be worthwhile.