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Shunned
Shunned
This is the beginning of a short story. (There is more but the word limit!) Set in the future where crimes are punishable by shunning.
1Coming-of-age / Young adult fiction
Janet Osborne (New Zealand)
I look at the digi-screen resting in the palm of my hand, tears blurring the words making them hard to see. I blink them away and look again, but their meaning has slipped my mind and I find I’m reading and re-reading these jumbled symbols to no effect.
Rule number one: You may not engage in communication of any kind with another human being. All necessary communication must go via the Roaming Drones (R.D’s). Any unauthorised communication will result in time added on to your sentence.
Rule number two: Curfew is at 19:00 hrs every day. You are to be within the hall by this time and are not permitted to leave until 06:00 hrs the next day. Failure to do so will result in time added on to your sentence.
Rule number three: If you are a minor, (under 18yrs) you have one half hour per month to receive a family visit. No physical contact allowed and an R.D must be present at all times. (See rule number one). Any physical contact will result in time added on to your sentence.
Rule number four: Do not interfere, damage or in any way attempt to disable or destroy the implant. This will only result in permanent physical damage and you will need to reimburse the Imperator’s Office.
Note: Shunned will perform Community Service. This can result in time off your sentence.
Shunned? That can’t be right. I drop the digi-screen down with a clatter, as if it somehow is infectious. I don’t want it near me. A prod in my back pushes my feet forward into the Fitting Room where I am instructed to lie down. It is quick and painless, more or less. The implant throbs on my cheek, the skin picked raw. Grey overalls that are miles too long, thick chunky boots and a backpack are thrust at me in total silence by a man in a white coat and black rimmed glasses.
I struggle into them, my stomach churning. There has to be some mistake.
“I’m not Shunned,” my voice echoes in the room, even though I’m whispering. I tap the man on the shoulder. “Sir? Excuse me, there’s been a mistake-” The ID band around my wrist vibrates and sends a small jolt through my arm, like an electric shock. The R.D swoops down in front of me and chatters in its digital voice.
“Citizen Sophie Carter. Caution. No communication permitted by the Shunned. This is your final warning.” I stare at the metallic sphere, no bigger than my fist, shocked into silence.
The man hustles out of the room, leaving me alone. A mirror is on the wall. I stand in front of it and see the glowing red beacon pulsating from my face. It reminds me of a spider. A round red body with silvery legs protruding from the middle, buried deep within my skin. I have the mark and like the beast, I am unworthy. I reach up and touch the implant. It’s cold and feels heavy on my cheek. I can’t stop my hand from trembling.
Tears form and spill down my face. This will be harder than I thought. I leave the sterile room, under the watchful eye of the R.D and proceed to the exit door. I stand in front of it, unable to take that final step. On the other side of this pale, innocuous door my new life awaits. I can’t help but think I’m about to enter the lion’s den. My breath quickens and my pulse is racing. Somehow I must find the courage to cross the threshold, but my body betrays me, paralytic and numb. A gloved hand from the armed guards slaps the flashing green button to release me into the world.
The door opens with a sucking woosh and I am propelled into the harsh environment. After the quiet corridors of the Imperators Office the sudden noise of a bustling city freezes me on the spot. I take a breath and remind myself that I’ve lived in Silundia all my life, I know this place. Over there, to the right is the Museum, in front of me the big shopping mall and to my left, the city square. I continue to observe my surroundings, trying to calm myself, hoping to contain my emotions. High above me an electronic dome hovers like an umbrella over the main area of the city. It protects the heart from exposure to the elements and it doesn’t extend to the outer rim, where decay and ruin lie.
I can see the message ribbon pulsating through the sky, informing the good citizens of Silundia about the day’s events and goings on. I look for my name, but it doesn’t appear. I’m not sure if I’m grateful or not. People will soon know though, they don’t need a news flash to tell them I’m now Shunned. I can hear the city in all its glory, the horns beeping, and the swish of cars as they pass by, the incessant chatter of street hawkers and people on their technology.
I search for my parents. I’m a minor, so they can say goodbye to me if they want, but I can’t see them in throngs of people rushing by. Disappointment fills me, making my body heavy and slow, but I am not surprised. I’m picturing my Mum, with her pinched look of martyrdom, surrounded by her crony friends- yes, Michelle, they’d be saying, you did everything for that girl and now look at how she repays you. Oh the shame!
I glance back at the guards to find them gone. My lip trembles as I realise I am on my own. I take a ragged breath and try to still my spinning mind. I have been in worse predicaments than this and yet- I pause in my thoughts, trying to figure things out. How many times have I gone down these streets, ignoring the strangers as they pass by me? How is the act of Shunning any different?
Because, I think, at the end of the day I could go home or stop and talk to people if I wanted to. The whole point of Shunning is to ignore but then they put a spot light on you, bright and unforgiving. It shouts to the world here I am, that lying, conniving little shit, so bad you had to give me the ultimate punishment. Acknowledge my guilt, but at the same time, don’t. I shake my head at the confusion.
My ID band beeps, making me jump. It tells me to get to the Hall to check in. I sniff and rub my eyes, as I hoist the small backpack onto my shoulder and join the populace. Along the narrow street, I begin to see people look at me, flick their gaze to my face, then flick away, their whole being shutting down, shutting me out. A man with a stern hat bumps into me and I see his mouth shape an apology, then register the mark and look away, trying to shrink his body past me. I clench my teeth, feeling an anger boiling in my gut, spreading throughout my body, the heat of my rage drying up the remaining tears.
I’m not a beggar with fleas, I don’t have some gruesome disease, I’m just Shunned. How dare he act like that? With my head held high, I march down to the Shunners Hall, not caring who sees my implant or my red rimmed eyes. I will bear this mark until I’ve served my sentence. 276 days, what was that- nine months? What’s nine months in my life? Yeah, I can do that, easy. It only takes nine months to grow a baby, doesn’t it? Nine months is almost a year of school and god knows I never went there much, so I won’t miss that. My brain iss firing now on the possibilities of being on my own for the first time ever. No more mum hassling me about my attitude or dad nutting off about my boyfriends. Best of all, no more Charlie, the little freak show that is my brother.
I turn the corner and the Shunners Hall looms before me. Its forbidding façade looms large, grey, colourless and cold. I stop in my tracks, staring at the dirty building. This will be my home for the next nine months. My bravado seeps away like water down a drainpipe and is replaced with dread.
Rule number one: You may not engage in communication of any kind with another human being. All necessary communication must go via the Roaming Drones (R.D’s). Any unauthorised communication will result in time added on to your sentence.
Rule number two: Curfew is at 19:00 hrs every day. You are to be within the hall by this time and are not permitted to leave until 06:00 hrs the next day. Failure to do so will result in time added on to your sentence.
Rule number three: If you are a minor, (under 18yrs) you have one half hour per month to receive a family visit. No physical contact allowed and an R.D must be present at all times. (See rule number one). Any physical contact will result in time added on to your sentence.
Rule number four: Do not interfere, damage or in any way attempt to disable or destroy the implant. This will only result in permanent physical damage and you will need to reimburse the Imperator’s Office.
Note: Shunned will perform Community Service. This can result in time off your sentence.
Shunned? That can’t be right. I drop the digi-screen down with a clatter, as if it somehow is infectious. I don’t want it near me. A prod in my back pushes my feet forward into the Fitting Room where I am instructed to lie down. It is quick and painless, more or less. The implant throbs on my cheek, the skin picked raw. Grey overalls that are miles too long, thick chunky boots and a backpack are thrust at me in total silence by a man in a white coat and black rimmed glasses.
I struggle into them, my stomach churning. There has to be some mistake.
“I’m not Shunned,” my voice echoes in the room, even though I’m whispering. I tap the man on the shoulder. “Sir? Excuse me, there’s been a mistake-” The ID band around my wrist vibrates and sends a small jolt through my arm, like an electric shock. The R.D swoops down in front of me and chatters in its digital voice.
“Citizen Sophie Carter. Caution. No communication permitted by the Shunned. This is your final warning.” I stare at the metallic sphere, no bigger than my fist, shocked into silence.
The man hustles out of the room, leaving me alone. A mirror is on the wall. I stand in front of it and see the glowing red beacon pulsating from my face. It reminds me of a spider. A round red body with silvery legs protruding from the middle, buried deep within my skin. I have the mark and like the beast, I am unworthy. I reach up and touch the implant. It’s cold and feels heavy on my cheek. I can’t stop my hand from trembling.
Tears form and spill down my face. This will be harder than I thought. I leave the sterile room, under the watchful eye of the R.D and proceed to the exit door. I stand in front of it, unable to take that final step. On the other side of this pale, innocuous door my new life awaits. I can’t help but think I’m about to enter the lion’s den. My breath quickens and my pulse is racing. Somehow I must find the courage to cross the threshold, but my body betrays me, paralytic and numb. A gloved hand from the armed guards slaps the flashing green button to release me into the world.
The door opens with a sucking woosh and I am propelled into the harsh environment. After the quiet corridors of the Imperators Office the sudden noise of a bustling city freezes me on the spot. I take a breath and remind myself that I’ve lived in Silundia all my life, I know this place. Over there, to the right is the Museum, in front of me the big shopping mall and to my left, the city square. I continue to observe my surroundings, trying to calm myself, hoping to contain my emotions. High above me an electronic dome hovers like an umbrella over the main area of the city. It protects the heart from exposure to the elements and it doesn’t extend to the outer rim, where decay and ruin lie.
I can see the message ribbon pulsating through the sky, informing the good citizens of Silundia about the day’s events and goings on. I look for my name, but it doesn’t appear. I’m not sure if I’m grateful or not. People will soon know though, they don’t need a news flash to tell them I’m now Shunned. I can hear the city in all its glory, the horns beeping, and the swish of cars as they pass by, the incessant chatter of street hawkers and people on their technology.
I search for my parents. I’m a minor, so they can say goodbye to me if they want, but I can’t see them in throngs of people rushing by. Disappointment fills me, making my body heavy and slow, but I am not surprised. I’m picturing my Mum, with her pinched look of martyrdom, surrounded by her crony friends- yes, Michelle, they’d be saying, you did everything for that girl and now look at how she repays you. Oh the shame!
I glance back at the guards to find them gone. My lip trembles as I realise I am on my own. I take a ragged breath and try to still my spinning mind. I have been in worse predicaments than this and yet- I pause in my thoughts, trying to figure things out. How many times have I gone down these streets, ignoring the strangers as they pass by me? How is the act of Shunning any different?
Because, I think, at the end of the day I could go home or stop and talk to people if I wanted to. The whole point of Shunning is to ignore but then they put a spot light on you, bright and unforgiving. It shouts to the world here I am, that lying, conniving little shit, so bad you had to give me the ultimate punishment. Acknowledge my guilt, but at the same time, don’t. I shake my head at the confusion.
My ID band beeps, making me jump. It tells me to get to the Hall to check in. I sniff and rub my eyes, as I hoist the small backpack onto my shoulder and join the populace. Along the narrow street, I begin to see people look at me, flick their gaze to my face, then flick away, their whole being shutting down, shutting me out. A man with a stern hat bumps into me and I see his mouth shape an apology, then register the mark and look away, trying to shrink his body past me. I clench my teeth, feeling an anger boiling in my gut, spreading throughout my body, the heat of my rage drying up the remaining tears.
I’m not a beggar with fleas, I don’t have some gruesome disease, I’m just Shunned. How dare he act like that? With my head held high, I march down to the Shunners Hall, not caring who sees my implant or my red rimmed eyes. I will bear this mark until I’ve served my sentence. 276 days, what was that- nine months? What’s nine months in my life? Yeah, I can do that, easy. It only takes nine months to grow a baby, doesn’t it? Nine months is almost a year of school and god knows I never went there much, so I won’t miss that. My brain iss firing now on the possibilities of being on my own for the first time ever. No more mum hassling me about my attitude or dad nutting off about my boyfriends. Best of all, no more Charlie, the little freak show that is my brother.
I turn the corner and the Shunners Hall looms before me. Its forbidding façade looms large, grey, colourless and cold. I stop in my tracks, staring at the dirty building. This will be my home for the next nine months. My bravado seeps away like water down a drainpipe and is replaced with dread.
Read Reviews
Review 1:
Compelling hook?
Fresh?
Strong characters?
Entertaining?
Attention to mechanics
- You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story.
Characterization
- Your characters were multidimensional. I found them believable and engaging and they genuinely responded to the events of the story.
Main character
- Connect us to your main protagonist with a deeper characterization. Could your protagonist have a few more distinguishing character traits?
Character conflict
- Your characters drew me into their world from the very beginning. Their goals and conflicts were clearly conveyed.
Plot and pace
- Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a challenging balancing act. The story had a clear and coherent progression with a structured plot.
Suspense and conflict
- The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. Think about the conflict and tension in your story. How effectively has it been introduced?
Technique and tight writing
- The writing was tight and economical and each word had purpose. This enabled the plot to unravel clearly. Your writing exhibits technical proficiency.
Point of view
- The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.
Style and originality
- I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice.
Opening line, paragraph and hook
- Your strong opening was a promise of wonderful things to come!
General comments from your fellow writer 1:
I really enjoyed this story and I think it has the potential to be a longer one. This would give you more opportunity to explore the world of the Shunned. If you want to keep it as a short story, I would perhaps add more of a purpose. This being said, i really enjoyed it as is.Review 2:
Compelling hook?
Fresh?
Strong characters?
Entertaining?
Attention to mechanics
- You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
- Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
- Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Characterization
- Your characters were multidimensional. I found them believable and engaging and they genuinely responded to the events of the story.
Main character
- Your protagonist exhibited a unique voice and had original characteristics. Their actions and dialogue were convincing.
Character conflict
- Your characters drew me into their world from the very beginning. Their goals and conflicts were clearly conveyed.
Plot and pace
- Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a challenging balancing act. The story had a clear and coherent progression with a structured plot.
Suspense and conflict
- The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. The build-up was intriguing and I felt the tension mounting with each word.
Technique and tight writing
- The writing was tight and economical and each word had purpose. This enabled the plot to unravel clearly. Your writing exhibits technical proficiency.
Point of view
- The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.
Style and originality
- I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice.
Atmosphere and description
- Your story was a feast for the senses. The atmosphere wrapped itself around me and transported me onto the page alongside your characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
- The setting was realistic and vivid. The characters’ mood and emotions were conveyed successfully through the believable setting.
Opening line, paragraph and hook
- Your strong opening was a promise of wonderful things to come!
General comments from your fellow writer 2:
absolutely brilliant! Very well done! beautiful writing and wording. very compelling, i would love to read more of this story!!Review 3:
Compelling hook?
Fresh?
Strong characters?
Entertaining?
Attention to mechanics
- The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
- There needs to be more balance between narration and dialogue. Avoid overdoing the narrative and remember that dialogue can diffuse long claustrophobic text.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
- The protagonist didn’t always respond believably against the backdrop of the story. Ask yourself if people would really answer to a situation in that way. Think about whether the characters’ voices could be more convincing for their age, background, gender, time period, genre, gender and ethnicity. Dialogue should be natural and consistent throughout the story.
Characterization
- Make sure your characters are multidimensional. Do they have strengths and weaknesses? Mere mortals make the most interesting stories because they are like you and me and we are able to empathize with their journey. That’s how the connection with a character is formed.
Main character
- Connect us to your main protagonist with a deeper characterization. Could your protagonist have a few more distinguishing character traits?
Character conflict
- The reader’s experience of the story is heightened when the characters’ goals, conflicts and purpose are clear. Perhaps giving this aspect of the story further attention could be worthwhile.
Plot and pace
- Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a difficult balancing act. Are you sure all the material is relevant to the plot, setting and atmosphere? Make sure each sentence makes sense to the reader, and each paragraph moves their experience forward.
Suspense and conflict
- The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. Think about the conflict and tension in your story. How effectively has it been introduced?
Technique and tight writing
- When writing is tight, economical and each word has purpose, it enables the plot to unravel clearly. Try and make each individual word count.
Point of view
- Point of view helps the reader identify whose perspective we are engaging with, i.e. who is narrating the story. It can sometimes be helpful to double check that the point of view in the story is successfully handled. Ensure you consistently use the same point of view and tense throughout.
Style and originality
- Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose is tricky. As writers, we face the daunting task of making sure we are not being predictable. Can you find a way to give the content and characters more of a unique edge? Perhaps say something boldly, something fresh or show an unorthodox approach to a topic?
Atmosphere and description
- A writer’s ability to create mood and atmosphere through evocative description is vital to the reader’s experience. It’s a real skill to craft out how the characters react to the setting and atmosphere and perhaps your story could go further in its description. The reader wants to experience the same sensory and poignant journey as the characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
- The scene needs to be vivid and realistic in order to hold the reader’s attention. Being concise and plausible at the same time is tricky. Giving this further attention could perhaps be worthwhile.
Opening line, paragraph and hook
- Great stories, nowadays, start with a powerful opening line and compelling hook in order to keep the reader engaged. Have you baited the reader enough?