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Revenge is Necessary Chapter two.

Revenge is Necessary Chapter two.

Chapter two is the first chapter where we feel the pain of the killer who has lost her soulmate.

1

Crime / Suspense / Mystery / Thriller

author-small

G. Rosalyn West (United Kingdom)


Chapter 2– Wednesday 3rd January 2001
There’s a dull ache behind my eyes. There’s this familiar pain of arid tear ducts, no longer willing to moisten them after days of torrential floods. I’ve spent the last forty-eight hours staring into space, willing myself to stay awake. I haven’t dared to sleep. If I sleep I’ll see the same horror that met my eyes three days ago when I burst into our home and found my soul mate’s body hanging from the banister – still, silent, so very dead.
Oh god! Why did I have to go away? I knew depression had set in. I sensed the pain but did nothing to appease it. You have to understand my situation; I was on my way to a job that would pay our mortgage for the next three months! How could I possibly turn it down? My love’s lack of enthusiasm to even try to find another job was becoming annoying. Someone had to earn something to keep us afloat. I even worked straight through so that I could leave early, then we could cuddle up and make mad passionate love until exhaustion gave us a contented sleep. If only I’d been less … my stomach churned with the memory that couldn’t be forgotten.
Rushing to the bathroom and clutching the toilet bowl, I heaved and heaved. There’s nothing in my stomach to evacuate except the bitter bile of guilt.
I splash my face with icy cold water and stagger back to our bedroom. Sitting in front of the mirror I’m shocked to see how much pain is reflected. I don’t recognise the image staring back at me, but I know, that never again will I look like the photo in the silver frame beside me on the dressing table; that’s a happy couple, one of them beautifully made up with dark curly tendrils escaping from the wedding headdress and the other a proud groom looking down lovingly at his new life partner. We were both beaming with happiness and looking forward to a wonderful life together.
Now, after only five years of deliriously happy marriage, we are a couple no more. The very people who, after promising the world, sent us crashing down to deep depression have taken my love from me.
My eyes return to the mirror, still finding it hard to acknowledge the change between a five-year-old photo and a three-day nightmare. Grey shadows mar the sparkle that once lived in my eyes. My mouth turns down at the corners conveying a sadness that won’t go away. With my head in my hands, I gently massage the dull thud in my temples. How on earth am I going to survive alone? A vibration deep within me erupts and finds its voice in a hollow moan - the sound of pure pain, loss and grief. There are no more tears to be shed. I need to find a way to break free of this never-ending circle of numbness.
I will find a way.
I have to find a way.
Then I’ll be able to put my love to rest.

Although - New Years Eve will never be the same again.


Competition: Friendly feedback, Round 1

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Read Reviews

Review 1:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to mechanics
  • You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • There needs to be more balance between narration and dialogue. Avoid overdoing the narrative and remember that dialogue can diffuse long claustrophobic text.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
  • Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Characterization
  • Your characters were multidimensional. I found them believable and engaging and they genuinely responded to the events of the story.
Main character
  • Your protagonist exhibited a unique voice and had original characteristics. Their actions and dialogue were convincing!
Character conflict
  • Your characters drew me into their world from the very beginning. Their goals, conflicts and purpose were clearly introduced and I wanted to find out more about them.
Plot and pace
  • Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a challenging balancing act. The story had a clear and coherent progression with a structured plot.
Suspense and conflict
  • The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. Your story makes compelling reading.
Technique and tight writing
  • The writing was tight and economical and each word had purpose. This enabled the plot to unravel clearly. Your writing exhibits technical proficiency.
Point of view
  • The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.
Style and originality
  • I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice.
Atmosphere and description
  • Your story was a feast for the senses. The atmosphere wrapped itself around me and transported me onto the page alongside your characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
  • The setting was realistic and vivid. The characters’ mood and emotions were conveyed successfully through the believable setting.
Opening line and hook
  • Your strong opening and compelling hook was a promise of wonderful things to come!
General comments from your fellow writer 1:
I was immediately hooked on your story, being the horror buff that I am and thought that it was well-constructed and well thought out. Good job!

Review 2:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to mechanics
  • You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • There needs to be more balance between narration and dialogue. Avoid overdoing the narrative and remember that dialogue can diffuse long claustrophobic text.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
  • Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Characterization
  • Make sure your characters are multidimensional. Do they have strengths and weaknesses? Mere mortals make the most interesting stories because they are like you and me and we are able to empathize with their journey. That’s how the connection with a character is formed.
Main character
  • Connect us to your main protagonist with a deeper characterization. Could your protagonist have a few more distinguishing character traits?
Character conflict
  • Your characters drew me into their world from the very beginning. Their goals, conflicts and purpose were clearly introduced and I wanted to find out more about them.
Plot and pace
  • Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a difficult balancing act. Are you sure all the material is relevant to the plot, setting and atmosphere? Make sure each sentence makes sense to the reader, and each paragraph moves their experience forward.
Suspense and conflict
  • The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. The first page should introduce some intrigue, something that causes the reader to turn the page. Think about the conflict and tension in your story. How effectively has it been introduced?
Technique and tight writing
  • When writing is tight, economical and each word has purpose, it enables the plot to unravel clearly. Try and make each individual word count.
Point of view
  • Point of view helps the reader identify whose perspective we are engaging with, i.e. who is narrating the story. It can sometimes be helpful to double check that the point of view in the story is successfully handled. Ensure you consistently use the same point of view and tense throughout.
Style and originality
  • Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose is tricky. As writers, we face the daunting task of making sure we are not being predictable. Can you find a way to give the content and characters more of a unique edge? Perhaps say something boldly, something fresh or show an unorthodox approach to a topic?
Atmosphere and description
  • A writer’s ability to create mood and atmosphere through evocative description is vital to the reader’s experience. It’s a real skill to craft out how the characters react to the setting and atmosphere and perhaps your story could go further in its description. The reader wants to experience the same sensory and poignant journey as the characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
  • The setting was realistic and vivid. The characters’ mood and emotions were conveyed successfully through the believable setting.
Opening line and hook
  • Great books, nowadays, start with a powerful opening and compelling hook in order to keep the reader engaged. Have you baited the reader enough?
General comments from your fellow writer 2:
This is a confident assured piece of writing. The only thing I'd say is that it is sometimes weakened by a few cliches (eg. deliriously happy). Otherwise I'd say that you've captured grief extremely well. I am looking forward to seeing where it goes next.

Review 3:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to mechanics
  • The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • There needs to be more balance between narration and dialogue. Avoid overdoing the narrative and remember that dialogue can diffuse long claustrophobic text.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
  • The protagonist didn’t always respond believably against the backdrop of the story. Ask yourself if people would really answer to a situation in that way. Think about whether the characters’ voices could be more convincing for their age, background, gender, time period, genre, gender and ethnicity. Dialogue should be natural and consistent throughout the story.
Characterization
  • Your characters were multidimensional. I found them believable and engaging and they genuinely responded to the events of the story.
Main character
  • Connect us to your main protagonist with a deeper characterization. Could your protagonist have a few more distinguishing character traits?
Character conflict
  • Your characters drew me into their world from the very beginning. Their goals, conflicts and purpose were clearly introduced and I wanted to find out more about them.
Plot and pace
  • Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a difficult balancing act. Are you sure all the material is relevant to the plot, setting and atmosphere? Make sure each sentence makes sense to the reader, and each paragraph moves their experience forward.
Suspense and conflict
  • The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. Your story makes compelling reading.
Technique and tight writing
  • When writing is tight, economical and each word has purpose, it enables the plot to unravel clearly. Try and make each individual word count.
Point of view
  • The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.
Style and originality
  • Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose is tricky. As writers, we face the daunting task of making sure we are not being predictable. Can you find a way to give the content and characters more of a unique edge? Perhaps say something boldly, something fresh or show an unorthodox approach to a topic?
Atmosphere and description
  • A writer’s ability to create mood and atmosphere through evocative description is vital to the reader’s experience. It’s a real skill to craft out how the characters react to the setting and atmosphere and perhaps your story could go further in its description. The reader wants to experience the same sensory and poignant journey as the characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
  • The scene needs to be vivid and realistic in order to hold the reader’s attention. Being concise and plausible at the same time is tricky. Giving this further attention could perhaps be worthwhile.
Opening line and hook
  • Your strong opening and compelling hook was a promise of wonderful things to come!
General comments from your fellow writer 3:
This looks like a heartfelt, passionate tale, though it’s not clear from this excerpt exactly what’s going on I’m guessing this was no suicide. This is the second chapter, so I’ve evidently missed some important action, but even in this short excerpt, I would have really like a scene to unfold. Some description of place, some dialogue, a character performing some kind of action, would have helped me get into the story more. The protagonist is conveying how he feels in often evocative language, but I think you could convey his grief more effectively by showing us how he is behaving, not telling us what he is thinking. How do people experiencing grief behave? What do they do with that empty time after a death? Show us the character doing these things, make us feel his grief. I also feel that at times the story is spoiled slightly by overwriting – like you’re trying too hard. For example: “Grey shadows mar the sparkle that once lived in my eyes. My mouth turns down at the corners conveying a sadness that won’t go away,” “A vibration deep within me erupts and finds its voice in a hollow moan”, “the bitter bile of guilt”. I would tone down the language a bit. Being spare with your writing can often be the most effective way of conveying emotions powerfully. Also be careful of your tenses. You slip about between present and past tense, e.g. : “Rushing to the bathroom and clutching the toilet bowl, I heaved and heaved. There’s nothing in my stomach” This story sounds really intriguing, and I’d love to know where it’s going. Good luck!