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The Awful Truth About the Herbert Quarry Affair- Chapter 1
The Awful Truth About the Herbert Quarry Affair- Chapter 1
A 200 page comedy thriller, loosely a parody of Joel Dicker's 'The Truth About the Harry Quebert Affair'. Marco Ocram decides to write a book about the first thing that comes into his head. His mentor- famous author Herbert Quarry- has been found kneeling in the blood of his dismembered underage mistress, Lola Kellog. Herbert will fry in the chair unless Marco can engineer the plot to prove he has been framed. Gruesome metaphors, implausible plot twists, offensive stereotypes, atrocious dialogue, rampant clichés, mindless coaching, and all the other hallmarks of Dicker's book are combined here with sly literary references and a huge dollop of humour. There are fifteen possible suspects, but who did it? Marco outwits his characters to prove they all did, and surfs a tsunami to clear Herbert's name and write the biggest selling book in publishing history.
2Literary fiction
Marco Ocram (United Kingdom)
The Awful Truth About The Herbert Quarry Affair
Fourteen year-old Lola Kellog has been murdered. Her illicit lover- famous author Herbert Quarry- will fry in the chair unless his protégé, equally famous Marco Ocram, can guide the incompetent law-enforcement agencies to find the awful truth about the Herbert Quarry affair.
What the critics of one continent have said…
Pings credulity into a waste-basket on the other side of the room.
I read it like an automaton in a trance.
Like the Olympic bob-sleigh- starts slowly then goes rapidly down-hill.
Ocram is the pinnacle of the sphere of literary entertainment.
After The Awful Truth About The Herbert Quarry Affair I could never read another book.
THE AWFUL TRUTH ABOUT THE HERBERT QUARRY AFFAIR
By
Marco Ocram
First published for a laugh in 2014 and made even worse in 2016.
Printed with great excitement in 12-point Attrocia by Pirate Press, Somalia.
Panamanian Library of Congress number REDACTED
Marco Ocram asserts his moral right not to be associated in any way with this book.
THE DAY IT ALL STARTED
"This is Clarksville County Police. Please state your emergency, caller."
"There's a famous novelist with a house on the beach overlooking the ocean who's been having a secret affair with an underage girl and now I think he has killed her and cut her body into pieces at his house."
"Thank you caller. I'll despatch a patrol car right away. Is there anything else I can help you with today?"
“No thank you.”
“Thank you for calling Clarksville County Police. Have a nice day.”
CHAPTER ONE
“Your first chapter is important, Marco.”
“Why is that, Herbert?”
“Because it is the one your readers will read first.”
“So?”
“If it is a pile of crap they will give up and give the book to a charity shop.”
“What does that matter? I will still have got my royalties.”
“If charity shops are flooded with nearly new copies of your book, your sales will be undermined.”
“I hadn’t thought of that. What should I do?”
“Lampoon the work of a best-selling author, or write the first thing that comes into your head. Better still, lampoon the work of a best-selling author by writing the first thing that comes into your head.”
Having won three Nobel Prizes I was struggling to see how to win a fourth. I had developed Nobel Prize winner’s block. I decided to visit my old mentor, the famous author Herbert Quarry.
With my Nobel Prize money I’d bought a black Range Rover with tinted windows. I drove it to Clarksville, the small town where Herbert had a house on the beach overlooking the ocean.
At Clarksville I stopped for coffee. The beautiful waitress asked what I was doing in town.
"I'm visiting a great author who lives here in a house on the beach overlooking the ocean."
"Oh, that must be Herbert Quarry. How exciting!"
She had pronounced Herbert the French way, 'airbear'. Her manageress chided her:
"Don't betray your ignorance, Jacqueline. If the man is a great author he certainly won’t be French."
I paid for my coffee and drove on.
In my black Range Rover with tinted windows I wondered if I had been right to include a cheap quip that dismissed the literary achievements of an entire nation.
I thought of the enduring characters of French literature- Fantomas, Tin Tin, Captain Haddock.
I thought of the famous French book that begins ‘mother died today, or was it father’; I can’t remember its name.
I thought especially about the prestigious French literary prize awarded to The Truth About the Harry Quebert Affair.
Yes, I had been right to include the cheap quip.
When I got to Herbert’s house the door was open, so I walked in and found my way to his living room. He was kneeling in a pool of congealing blood from the dismembered body of a teenage girl, sliding his finger-tips through the blood then rubbing his fingers against his thumb.
Unsure of what to say, I coughed to announce myself.
“Ahem.”
“Marco”, he said. “What are you doing here?”
“Herbert, I have Nobel Prize winner’s block. I need you to help me.”
“Of course I will do what I can. Although as I have said many times before, you have greatness within you, and it is up to you to set it free. But before I can help you, you must help me.”
"Why, what is the problem?”
He nodded at the various meaty sections of corpse that were draped with shreds of a lime green dress.
“Those. I have been framed for a grisly murder. I am certain to fry in the chair unless you prevent the incompetent law-enforcement officials from leaping to a false conclusion.”
“Of course, Herbert. I will help however I can.”
Suddenly we heard the howl of sirens, the skidding of tyres, the slamming of doors, the running of feet, the cocking of guns and the shouting of shouts, then an army of police streamed into the room. I suddenly saw Herbert had a long knife in his hands. He waived the knife, which a policemen dropped in an evidence bag.
Sacred blue, I thought, Herbert is in deep shit.
After handcuffing Herbert, the leading officer looked at me:
“Aren’t you Marco Ocram, the multiple Nobel Prize winner?”
“Yes.”
“It is a pleasure meeting you. I have read your work on tau muons with the greatest possible interest. Perhaps you would like to assist us in our investigation of this heinous crime.”
“Thank you officer. But I would prefer to run my own investigation.”
“As you wish.”
He read Herbert his rights, and arrested him on suspicion of the murder of Lola Kellog and of conducting lewd acts with a miner. Neither accusation was in character, and I instantly formed an unshakeable belief that Herbert was being framed.
The police bundled Herbert into a squad car, put the corpse parts into evidence bags, photographed the room, dusted the entire house (which was filthy), and surrounded the crime scene with police crime scene tape.
I had never been in Herbert’s house before, but I had a sudden sense of ‘already seen’, as the French say, as I walked into his study. The lap-top on his desk was switched on. Idly I looked at its open windows. One showed the draft of a novel. I recognised Herbert’s distinctive style. Another showed an email that read:
“Lola. I must see you again. Come to my house. Wear the lime green dress.”
The words were enigmatic. They must mean something. But what?
Both the draft best-seller and the email had been written using software from Microsoft. Hmmm. It seemed an unlikely coincidence.
My suspicions aroused, I Googled Microsoft. It was worth $400bn.
I whistled. That was a lot of money. Microsoft was owned by Bill Gates. I decided I needed to speak with him. If he had sold software to Herbert he might know something about the background to the mystery.
I drove to Seattle, where Mr Gates lived. His house was easy to find because it was so big and tasteless. I was stopped at the Gates’ house gate-house by a security man who asked what I wanted.
“I want to see Mr Gates.”
“Do you have an appointment?”
“No.”
“Never mind. I will let you through anyway.”
I drove along the drive to the house. The butler opened the door.
"I'm afraid Mr Gates can’t see you just now, sir," the butler said.
"Why?"
"He is in Africa, sir, with his wife Melissa, promoting the Bill and Melissa Gates foundation.”
I was astounded and perplexed by his revelation. Bill Gates was a software billionaire- why would he promote a make-up product for women? And with the enormous US market for beauty products, why would he promote his foundation in Africa?
I could make no sense of it.
I drove back to Clarksville.
Where might I find clues? The four obvious places to look were Herbert's house, Herbert's garage, Herbert's car and Herbert's garden.
In Herbert's house I found a picture of Herbert with a young girl in a lime green dress. It was signed:
'To Herbert with all my love, Lola Kellog. PS don't forget the condoms as I don't want to bear your love-child whatever you say, and your repeated rantings and threats to kill me and dismember my body won't make me change my mind. I would rather die. I love you, Lola Kellog.'
The lime green dress made me think of the shreds of lime green dress on the dismembered corpse. It also made me think of the email that read 'Lola, I love you. Come at once. Wear the lime green dress'.
It just went to show that coincidences happen all the time.
As if to prove the point, when I then looked in Herbert's wine cellar I found that he kept the two exact types of wine that were my all-time favourites. Red and white.
Fourteen year-old Lola Kellog has been murdered. Her illicit lover- famous author Herbert Quarry- will fry in the chair unless his protégé, equally famous Marco Ocram, can guide the incompetent law-enforcement agencies to find the awful truth about the Herbert Quarry affair.
What the critics of one continent have said…
Pings credulity into a waste-basket on the other side of the room.
I read it like an automaton in a trance.
Like the Olympic bob-sleigh- starts slowly then goes rapidly down-hill.
Ocram is the pinnacle of the sphere of literary entertainment.
After The Awful Truth About The Herbert Quarry Affair I could never read another book.
THE AWFUL TRUTH ABOUT THE HERBERT QUARRY AFFAIR
By
Marco Ocram
First published for a laugh in 2014 and made even worse in 2016.
Printed with great excitement in 12-point Attrocia by Pirate Press, Somalia.
Panamanian Library of Congress number REDACTED
Marco Ocram asserts his moral right not to be associated in any way with this book.
THE DAY IT ALL STARTED
"This is Clarksville County Police. Please state your emergency, caller."
"There's a famous novelist with a house on the beach overlooking the ocean who's been having a secret affair with an underage girl and now I think he has killed her and cut her body into pieces at his house."
"Thank you caller. I'll despatch a patrol car right away. Is there anything else I can help you with today?"
“No thank you.”
“Thank you for calling Clarksville County Police. Have a nice day.”
CHAPTER ONE
“Your first chapter is important, Marco.”
“Why is that, Herbert?”
“Because it is the one your readers will read first.”
“So?”
“If it is a pile of crap they will give up and give the book to a charity shop.”
“What does that matter? I will still have got my royalties.”
“If charity shops are flooded with nearly new copies of your book, your sales will be undermined.”
“I hadn’t thought of that. What should I do?”
“Lampoon the work of a best-selling author, or write the first thing that comes into your head. Better still, lampoon the work of a best-selling author by writing the first thing that comes into your head.”
Having won three Nobel Prizes I was struggling to see how to win a fourth. I had developed Nobel Prize winner’s block. I decided to visit my old mentor, the famous author Herbert Quarry.
With my Nobel Prize money I’d bought a black Range Rover with tinted windows. I drove it to Clarksville, the small town where Herbert had a house on the beach overlooking the ocean.
At Clarksville I stopped for coffee. The beautiful waitress asked what I was doing in town.
"I'm visiting a great author who lives here in a house on the beach overlooking the ocean."
"Oh, that must be Herbert Quarry. How exciting!"
She had pronounced Herbert the French way, 'airbear'. Her manageress chided her:
"Don't betray your ignorance, Jacqueline. If the man is a great author he certainly won’t be French."
I paid for my coffee and drove on.
In my black Range Rover with tinted windows I wondered if I had been right to include a cheap quip that dismissed the literary achievements of an entire nation.
I thought of the enduring characters of French literature- Fantomas, Tin Tin, Captain Haddock.
I thought of the famous French book that begins ‘mother died today, or was it father’; I can’t remember its name.
I thought especially about the prestigious French literary prize awarded to The Truth About the Harry Quebert Affair.
Yes, I had been right to include the cheap quip.
When I got to Herbert’s house the door was open, so I walked in and found my way to his living room. He was kneeling in a pool of congealing blood from the dismembered body of a teenage girl, sliding his finger-tips through the blood then rubbing his fingers against his thumb.
Unsure of what to say, I coughed to announce myself.
“Ahem.”
“Marco”, he said. “What are you doing here?”
“Herbert, I have Nobel Prize winner’s block. I need you to help me.”
“Of course I will do what I can. Although as I have said many times before, you have greatness within you, and it is up to you to set it free. But before I can help you, you must help me.”
"Why, what is the problem?”
He nodded at the various meaty sections of corpse that were draped with shreds of a lime green dress.
“Those. I have been framed for a grisly murder. I am certain to fry in the chair unless you prevent the incompetent law-enforcement officials from leaping to a false conclusion.”
“Of course, Herbert. I will help however I can.”
Suddenly we heard the howl of sirens, the skidding of tyres, the slamming of doors, the running of feet, the cocking of guns and the shouting of shouts, then an army of police streamed into the room. I suddenly saw Herbert had a long knife in his hands. He waived the knife, which a policemen dropped in an evidence bag.
Sacred blue, I thought, Herbert is in deep shit.
After handcuffing Herbert, the leading officer looked at me:
“Aren’t you Marco Ocram, the multiple Nobel Prize winner?”
“Yes.”
“It is a pleasure meeting you. I have read your work on tau muons with the greatest possible interest. Perhaps you would like to assist us in our investigation of this heinous crime.”
“Thank you officer. But I would prefer to run my own investigation.”
“As you wish.”
He read Herbert his rights, and arrested him on suspicion of the murder of Lola Kellog and of conducting lewd acts with a miner. Neither accusation was in character, and I instantly formed an unshakeable belief that Herbert was being framed.
The police bundled Herbert into a squad car, put the corpse parts into evidence bags, photographed the room, dusted the entire house (which was filthy), and surrounded the crime scene with police crime scene tape.
I had never been in Herbert’s house before, but I had a sudden sense of ‘already seen’, as the French say, as I walked into his study. The lap-top on his desk was switched on. Idly I looked at its open windows. One showed the draft of a novel. I recognised Herbert’s distinctive style. Another showed an email that read:
“Lola. I must see you again. Come to my house. Wear the lime green dress.”
The words were enigmatic. They must mean something. But what?
Both the draft best-seller and the email had been written using software from Microsoft. Hmmm. It seemed an unlikely coincidence.
My suspicions aroused, I Googled Microsoft. It was worth $400bn.
I whistled. That was a lot of money. Microsoft was owned by Bill Gates. I decided I needed to speak with him. If he had sold software to Herbert he might know something about the background to the mystery.
I drove to Seattle, where Mr Gates lived. His house was easy to find because it was so big and tasteless. I was stopped at the Gates’ house gate-house by a security man who asked what I wanted.
“I want to see Mr Gates.”
“Do you have an appointment?”
“No.”
“Never mind. I will let you through anyway.”
I drove along the drive to the house. The butler opened the door.
"I'm afraid Mr Gates can’t see you just now, sir," the butler said.
"Why?"
"He is in Africa, sir, with his wife Melissa, promoting the Bill and Melissa Gates foundation.”
I was astounded and perplexed by his revelation. Bill Gates was a software billionaire- why would he promote a make-up product for women? And with the enormous US market for beauty products, why would he promote his foundation in Africa?
I could make no sense of it.
I drove back to Clarksville.
Where might I find clues? The four obvious places to look were Herbert's house, Herbert's garage, Herbert's car and Herbert's garden.
In Herbert's house I found a picture of Herbert with a young girl in a lime green dress. It was signed:
'To Herbert with all my love, Lola Kellog. PS don't forget the condoms as I don't want to bear your love-child whatever you say, and your repeated rantings and threats to kill me and dismember my body won't make me change my mind. I would rather die. I love you, Lola Kellog.'
The lime green dress made me think of the shreds of lime green dress on the dismembered corpse. It also made me think of the email that read 'Lola, I love you. Come at once. Wear the lime green dress'.
It just went to show that coincidences happen all the time.
As if to prove the point, when I then looked in Herbert's wine cellar I found that he kept the two exact types of wine that were my all-time favourites. Red and white.
Read Reviews
Review 1:
Compelling hook?
Fresh?
Strong characters?
Entertaining?
Attention to mechanics
- The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
- Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
- Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Characterization
- Your characters were multidimensional. I found them believable and engaging and they genuinely responded to the events of the story.
Main character
- Connect us to your main protagonist with a deeper characterization. Could your protagonist have a few more distinguishing character traits?
Character conflict
- The reader’s experience of the story is heightened when the characters’ goals, conflicts and purpose are clear. Perhaps giving this aspect of the story further attention could be worthwhile.
Plot and pace
- Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a challenging balancing act. The story had a clear and coherent progression with a structured plot.
Technique and tight writing
- The writing was tight and economical and each word had purpose. This enabled the plot to unravel clearly. Your writing exhibits technical proficiency.
Point of view
- Point of view helps the reader identify whose perspective we are engaging with, i.e. who is narrating the story. It can sometimes be helpful to double check that the point of view in the story is successfully handled. Ensure you consistently use the same point of view and tense throughout.
Style and originality
- I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice.
Atmosphere and description
- Your story was a feast for the senses. The atmosphere wrapped itself around me and transported me onto the page alongside your characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
- The setting was realistic and vivid. The characters’ mood and emotions were conveyed successfully through the believable setting.
Opening line and hook
- Great books, nowadays, start with a powerful opening and compelling hook in order to keep the reader engaged. Have you baited the reader enough?
General comments from your fellow writer 1:
I found the story fun to read. You have a good sense of the ridiculous - humour wise. It did take sometime to get my head around prose. At first it felt like a series of situation comedy scenes linked with a number of jokes. Not very believeable though enjoyable. I would have liked to see more cohesion in the writing. But on the whole an interesting piece of work.Review 2:
Compelling hook?
Fresh?
Strong characters?
Entertaining?
Characterization
- Make sure your characters are multidimensional. Do they have strengths and weaknesses? Mere mortals make the most interesting stories because they are like you and me and we are able to empathize with their journey. That’s how the connection with a character is formed.
Plot and pace
- Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a difficult balancing act. Are you sure all the material is relevant to the plot, setting and atmosphere? Make sure each sentence makes sense to the reader, and each paragraph moves their experience forward.
Technique and tight writing
- When writing is tight, economical and each word has purpose, it enables the plot to unravel clearly. Try and make each individual word count.
Point of view
- Point of view helps the reader identify whose perspective we are engaging with, i.e. who is narrating the story. It can sometimes be helpful to double check that the point of view in the story is successfully handled. Ensure you consistently use the same point of view and tense throughout.
Opening line and hook
- Great books, nowadays, start with a powerful opening and compelling hook in order to keep the reader engaged. Have you baited the reader enough?
General comments from your fellow writer 2:
The opening was difficult - I really didn't understand what was going on - there were so many conflicting situations. I think you should dive into the story straight away, and put in the telephone conversations etc etc at a later date - if they are necessary.Review 3:
Compelling hook?
Fresh?
Strong characters?
Entertaining?
Attention to mechanics
- The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
- Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
- Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Characterization
- Make sure your characters are multidimensional. Do they have strengths and weaknesses? Mere mortals make the most interesting stories because they are like you and me and we are able to empathize with their journey. That’s how the connection with a character is formed.
Main character
- Your protagonist exhibited a unique voice and had original characteristics. Their actions and dialogue were convincing!