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Potato Power
Potato Power
What would you do if your whole world was threatened?
1Flash fiction
G. Rosalyn West (United Kingdom)
Potato Power
When did I become such a wuss? Amy thought as she heaved the weighty bag of potatoes further up her arm. Why can’t I say no to Darren?
The red welts on her arm made by the bag of potatoes glared back at her.
You’re a wuss! You’re a wuss!
Hoping the marks would disappear before her mother came for her weekly visit, Amy, glancing up at the Postmistress, wondered why she looked so bored.
I could do that job.
The usual crowd of ‘senior citizens’ were here all needing cash on a Thursday. Amy looked down at Sally and Ben, identical faces both smothered in chocolate. Smiling at her little treasures, she absentmindedly used a wet wipe to smear away the mess from their mouths.
I’m glad old Mrs Linton gave me that cookery book on spuds. Pots and Tins it’s called - suits me down to the ground.
Amy glanced up.
Only three people in front now.
She sighed, hoping Darren wouldn’t come for tea tonight – she needed time to recover from his last visit.
She looked back at the counter.
Only two more to go.
Her gaze wandered to the woman behind the grill.
She wasn’t looking at her.
She was staring right through her.
She looked terrified.
Amy started to turn, wondering why she looked so horrified.
A large man in a balaclava pushed past her, waving a gun in the air,
“Get down, get down on the floor – now and shut the fuck up.”
She lost her grip on the buggy as she was pushed to her knees.
My babies! My babies!
She desperately tried to raise her arm to protect her children but the weight of the potatoes pulled her back. She could smell the sweat on his body as he rammed his foot against the pushchair sending it sliding on its side across the floor.
The children screamed in terror.
Without thinking, Amy jumped to her feet and through a red mist of anger she roared,
“Don’t you hurt my kids!”
Adrenaline-soaked fear sprung her into action. Swinging her arm with the potatoes attached, she slammed her ‘weapon’ into the back of the monsters head. His gun toppled from his grasp and slid across the floor as he dropped in a semi-unconscious heap on the ground. Amy lunged towards him and fell across his body with her knees on his back. Her weight forced the air from his lungs totally incapacitating him.
As shock subsided, the other women in the post office ran to Amy’s aid and sat on him, shouting to the paralysed Postmistress, “Call the police quick!”
Amy turned the man’s head to one side, adrenaline giving her the courage she needed.
She gasped as she dragged the balaclava off his head. Darren looked back at her, stunned with disbelief.
“I said, don’t you dare hurt my kids!”
Who’s a wuss now- Darren!
When did I become such a wuss? Amy thought as she heaved the weighty bag of potatoes further up her arm. Why can’t I say no to Darren?
The red welts on her arm made by the bag of potatoes glared back at her.
You’re a wuss! You’re a wuss!
Hoping the marks would disappear before her mother came for her weekly visit, Amy, glancing up at the Postmistress, wondered why she looked so bored.
I could do that job.
The usual crowd of ‘senior citizens’ were here all needing cash on a Thursday. Amy looked down at Sally and Ben, identical faces both smothered in chocolate. Smiling at her little treasures, she absentmindedly used a wet wipe to smear away the mess from their mouths.
I’m glad old Mrs Linton gave me that cookery book on spuds. Pots and Tins it’s called - suits me down to the ground.
Amy glanced up.
Only three people in front now.
She sighed, hoping Darren wouldn’t come for tea tonight – she needed time to recover from his last visit.
She looked back at the counter.
Only two more to go.
Her gaze wandered to the woman behind the grill.
She wasn’t looking at her.
She was staring right through her.
She looked terrified.
Amy started to turn, wondering why she looked so horrified.
A large man in a balaclava pushed past her, waving a gun in the air,
“Get down, get down on the floor – now and shut the fuck up.”
She lost her grip on the buggy as she was pushed to her knees.
My babies! My babies!
She desperately tried to raise her arm to protect her children but the weight of the potatoes pulled her back. She could smell the sweat on his body as he rammed his foot against the pushchair sending it sliding on its side across the floor.
The children screamed in terror.
Without thinking, Amy jumped to her feet and through a red mist of anger she roared,
“Don’t you hurt my kids!”
Adrenaline-soaked fear sprung her into action. Swinging her arm with the potatoes attached, she slammed her ‘weapon’ into the back of the monsters head. His gun toppled from his grasp and slid across the floor as he dropped in a semi-unconscious heap on the ground. Amy lunged towards him and fell across his body with her knees on his back. Her weight forced the air from his lungs totally incapacitating him.
As shock subsided, the other women in the post office ran to Amy’s aid and sat on him, shouting to the paralysed Postmistress, “Call the police quick!”
Amy turned the man’s head to one side, adrenaline giving her the courage she needed.
She gasped as she dragged the balaclava off his head. Darren looked back at her, stunned with disbelief.
“I said, don’t you dare hurt my kids!”
Who’s a wuss now- Darren!
Read Reviews
Review 1:
Compelling hook?
Fresh?
Strong characters?
Entertaining?
Attention to mechanics
- You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
- Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.
Main character
- Connect us to your main protagonist with a deeper characterization. Could your protagonist have a few more distinguishing character traits?
Plot and pace
- Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a difficult balancing act. Are you sure all the material is relevant to the plot, setting and atmosphere? Make sure each sentence makes sense to the reader, and each paragraph moves their experience forward.
Technique and tight writing
- When writing is tight, economical and each word has purpose, it enables the plot to unravel clearly. Try and make each individual word count.
Point of view
- The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.
Atmosphere and description
- A writer’s ability to create mood and atmosphere through evocative description is vital to the reader’s experience. It’s a real skill to craft out how the characters react to the setting and atmosphere and perhaps your story could go further in its description. The reader wants to experience the same sensory and poignant journey as the characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
- The scene needs to be vivid and realistic in order to hold the reader’s attention. Being concise and plausible at the same time is tricky. Giving this further attention could perhaps be worthwhile.
General comments from your fellow writer 1:
This is an intriguing story about a young woman's empowerment. I enjoyed reading it, especially the surprise ending. However, I think there are a few places in the narrative where the writing might have benefitted from a little more sustained focus on the story's central characters as well as its central conflict. Flash fiction is, by nature, concise, and is tricky to pull off successfully because the writer has to engage the audience and solicit its empathy in a very short period of time. Thus, when Amy's thoughts turn, in quick succession, to the senior citizens, the postmistress's job and Mrs. Linton, the writing seems a bit disjointed and contrived. Also, Amy's thoughts seem to move rather abruptly from the nature of Darren's abuse and the welts on her arm to the mundane things she notices around her. Perhaps, this was done on purpose to create a sense of realism, but, in these cases, I think the reader becomes distracted somewhat. In the second half of the story, the economical, quick-paced but detailed nature of the writing is successful in drawing the reader into the action.Review 2:
Compelling hook?
Fresh?
Strong characters?
Entertaining?
Attention to mechanics
- The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
- Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
- Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Characterization
- Make sure your characters are multidimensional. Do they have strengths and weaknesses? Mere mortals make the most interesting stories because they are like you and me and we are able to empathize with their journey. That’s how the connection with a character is formed.
Main character
- Your protagonist exhibited a unique voice and had original characteristics. Their actions and dialogue were convincing.
Character conflict
- The reader’s experience of the story is heightened when the characters’ goals, conflicts and purpose are clear. Perhaps giving this aspect of the story further attention could be worthwhile.
Plot and pace
- Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a difficult balancing act. Are you sure all the material is relevant to the plot, setting and atmosphere? Make sure each sentence makes sense to the reader, and each paragraph moves their experience forward.
Suspense and conflict
- The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. The build-up was intriguing and I felt the tension mounting with each word.
Technique and tight writing
- The writing was tight and economical and each word had purpose. This enabled the plot to unravel clearly. Your writing exhibits technical proficiency.
Point of view
- The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.
Style and originality
- I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice.
Atmosphere and description
- A writer’s ability to create mood and atmosphere through evocative description is vital to the reader’s experience. It’s a real skill to craft out how the characters react to the setting and atmosphere and perhaps your story could go further in its description. The reader wants to experience the same sensory and poignant journey as the characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
- The scene needs to be vivid and realistic in order to hold the reader’s attention. Being concise and plausible at the same time is tricky. Giving this further attention could perhaps be worthwhile.
Opening line, paragraph and hook
- Your strong opening was a promise of wonderful things to come!
General comments from your fellow writer 2:
I enjoyed the way you opened the story with a look into Amy's mind. Your description of the events and other things in your story was also excellent. I was a little confused on a couple aspects, including the characters. There wasn't a lot of character development; for example, all I really know about Amy is that she has kids (whom she loves), she thinks she's a wuss, and she's seeing someone named Darren who also turns out to be the robber at the end. I feel like you could have developed her and maybe her backstory just a little more (but I know it's hard with the word limit.) Great work, I really liked the story overall and I think you could take it somewhere!Review 3:
Compelling hook?
Fresh?
Strong characters?
Entertaining?
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
- Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Characterization
- Your characters were multidimensional. I found them believable and engaging and they genuinely responded to the events of the story.
Main character
- Your protagonist exhibited a unique voice and had original characteristics. Their actions and dialogue were convincing.
Character conflict
- Your characters drew me into their world from the very beginning. Their goals and conflicts were clearly conveyed.
Plot and pace
- Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a challenging balancing act. The story had a clear and coherent progression with a structured plot.
Suspense and conflict
- The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. The build-up was intriguing and I felt the tension mounting with each word.
Style and originality
- I loved your fresh approach. Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose requires both skill and practice.