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MAD

MAD

The protagonist in my story struggles to claim her own identity, while trying to deny the persona that her father has led her to manifest.

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Literary fiction

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hallakuyon (United States)



MAD

Father declares that I am mad, but truly he is mistaken! For I am often blamed for the delinquency of another hand. You see, it wasn't I that snatched away the baby's pacifier, which pressed him to erupt in a tantrum. Nor was it I that beat the old hound relentlessly, until he ceased to howl once more. And although father may not believe me, I pray that you might. And In order to gain your certainty, I will entrust you with a secret which Father is quick to disdain.
For the one who is blamable for these frequent atrocities inhabits my looking glass. The girl holds a shocking resemblance to that of my own person and persistently imitates my conduct. When I blink, she blinks. When I laugh she laughs, and so in response to Father's skepticism and condemnation, I grant him pity. For the girl and I are easily mistaken, and a good soul such as myself can only empathize Father's ignorance.
Yet beyond the surface, the girl and I are quite different as I'm sure any sensible individual would observe. You see, the girl is unmerciful and immoral. She lacks sensibility and a just soul, if any soul at all, but she is never compelled to claim ownership of her actions. Instead, she scurries away, and I am left to bear her sins.
Periodically, she abandons the looking glass in order to follow in my footsteps. Though this is only pertaining to cloudless days when the sun is out. I have yet to see her inhabit a body of my own. Instead, she is confined to my silhouette which trails behind me in the sunlight, and although I despise her intensely, I am forced to admire her precise mimicry when portraying the outline of my body.
So it was only sensible that when the sheriff came and father's corpse was sprawled motionless upon the floor, that he should blame me instead of the barbaric girl. Yet as the sheriff proceeded to cuff my hands behind my back, I began to enlighten him about the girl in the looking glass, but he refused to believe me also. And as he hurried me away to the sheriff car, I faintly hear him whisper, "poor girl, she's utterly mad!"


Competition: Friendly feedback, Round 1

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Read Reviews

Review 1:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • There needs to be more balance between narration and dialogue. Avoid overdoing the narrative and remember that dialogue can diffuse long claustrophobic text.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
  • Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
Characterization
  • Your characters were multidimensional. I found them believable and engaging and they genuinely responded to the events of the story.
Main character
  • Connect us to your main protagonist with a deeper characterization. Could your protagonist have a few more distinguishing character traits?
Character conflict
  • Your characters drew me into their world from the very beginning. Their goals and conflicts were clearly conveyed.
Plot and pace
  • Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a challenging balancing act. The story had a clear and coherent progression with a structured plot.
Suspense and conflict
  • The joy of reading often lies in the element of suspense prompted by internal or external conflicts. Think about the conflict and tension in your story. How effectively has it been introduced?
Technique and tight writing
  • The writing was tight and economical and each word had purpose. This enabled the plot to unravel clearly. Your writing exhibits technical proficiency.
Point of view
  • The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.
Style and originality
  • Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose is tricky. As writers, we face the daunting task of making sure we are not being predictable. Can you find a way to give the content and characters more of a unique edge? Perhaps say something boldly, something fresh or show an unorthodox approach to a topic?
Atmosphere and description
  • Your story was a feast for the senses. The atmosphere wrapped itself around me and transported me onto the page alongside your characters.
Authentic and vivid setting
  • The scene needs to be vivid and realistic in order to hold the reader’s attention. Being concise and plausible at the same time is tricky. Giving this further attention could perhaps be worthwhile.
Opening line, paragraph and hook
  • Your strong opening was a promise of wonderful things to come!
General comments from your fellow writer 1:
I really loved the concept, but I find the approach a bit overused at times. I think it was really well done despite that. There could have been more description in the ending scene where her father is dead and she is being arrested, however, it is seemingly of flash fiction length so it was a nice compromise. I really loved the language and style you used to portray the time as older, it was a really cool aspect of the story.

Review 2:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to mechanics
  • You demonstrate a professional quality of writing throughout the story.
Narration and dialogue: Balance
  • Your story struck a good balance between narration and authentic dialogue.
Narration and dialogue: Authentic voice
  • Your characters’ voices were convincing and authentic.
General comments from your fellow writer 2:
This was a fun read. Pretty fresh take. I liked it, thanks. Maybe work on making the main character a little more likable. I don't feel connected to her in anyway.

Review 3:


Compelling hook?

Fresh?

Strong characters?

Entertaining?

Attention to mechanics
  • The grammar, typography, sentence structure and punctuation would benefit from a further round of editing to avoid distracting from the quality of the story.
Main character
  • Connect us to your main protagonist with a deeper characterization. Could your protagonist have a few more distinguishing character traits?
Character conflict
  • Your characters drew me into their world from the very beginning. Their goals and conflicts were clearly conveyed.
Plot and pace
  • Maintaining the right pace and sustaining the reader’s interest is a difficult balancing act. Are you sure all the material is relevant to the plot, setting and atmosphere? Make sure each sentence makes sense to the reader, and each paragraph moves their experience forward.
Point of view
  • The story successfully solicited the reader’s empathy through the clever use of the narrator's point of view. You show great deftness in handling point of view.
Style and originality
  • Creating a unique writing style while maintaining quality of prose is tricky. As writers, we face the daunting task of making sure we are not being predictable. Can you find a way to give the content and characters more of a unique edge? Perhaps say something boldly, something fresh or show an unorthodox approach to a topic?
Opening line, paragraph and hook
  • Great stories, nowadays, start with a powerful opening line and compelling hook in order to keep the reader engaged. Have you baited the reader enough?